Arthritic Young Thing

Happy Surgery Day

2009-09-01T10:38:00.001-07:00

It's surgery day! It's surgery day! I'm so excited. My boyfriend's busy being nervous for me. :P I got everything done that I needed to get done before surgery and I am feeling just dandy. Everything is packed and ready to go and so am I. I'm off to get a hardware upgrade*. Wish me luck!

*ankle fusion

Love

2009-08-25T02:44:00.005-07:00

Howdy everyone.

It's been forever since I've checked in. How the heck are you guys? I miss you all. I miss being connected to my community, sharing and doing great things together. You are all so amazing and inspire me so much. I miss being able to share in each other's lives.

I've been using Twitter intermittently. I'm committed to keeping up my online communication, more than I've been doing. Everyone keeps wondering if I fell off the planet, so I promise to update more often!

I didn't fall off the planet or die. In fact, I've never felt more alive. I'm out there living life to the fullest, making every moment and person count, making a difference in the world. I feel so free and liberated.

Great things have been happening with me. My health is doing really well and continues to do well. My relationship with the boy carries on and I can't describe to you how amazing he is. He's simply the sweetest thing in creation. I adore him.

This weekend I picked up another boyfriend. :D This is a huge move forward from being stuck in the past, because I've been in love with Matthew for the last five years. I wouldn't be with him because I was afraid he didn't love me, when the man always has and always will love me more than I can know.

I've forgiven the brother who molested me and I've started a relationship with him again. I'm letting go of my anger towards my family. I finally get that it's OK to ask for what you want. I'm actually creating what I want, here and now, which is the possibility of love for everyone and everything. I'm living those words and not just believing them. I FEEL GREAT!

And I just had the best sex with the boy. Guess I'll be chatting with the neighbors tomorrow. ;)

The event that precepitated this huge personal transformation is my choice to become involved with a group called the Landmark Education Group. They're an education group that hosts seminars and courses all over the world. Their promise is that upon completion of their Curriculum for Living program, you will be living the life you love and creating what you want. I'm doing that now, and I'm so happy! I want to go out and share it with all the people in my life. I want to bring all of you to a Landmark Forum! There's an introductory session here in Vancouver, Tuesday, from 7 pm - 10:30, and I'm throwing out an invitation to each and every one of you reading this. I'm inviting you to come to the Forum intro session with me and my other guests tomorrow evening and create possibilities with me. Even for those of you not local, the Landmark group has centres all over the world. If you want to attend an introductory session, contact me and I will make it happen with you.

Thanks for letting me share, everybody. Good night, and good luck.

Sabrina

What I've Been Up To - In Point Form

2009-06-15T21:52:00.002-07:00

Due to fatigue and a severely short attention span, today's post is brought to you in jotnote form!

Of late, I've been:

-spending time with the boy. I have a boy now, a submissive partner, who may just be the sweetest and most adorable thing I've ever seen. He's a newbie, so I get to vicariously do everything for the first time through him. He's such a sweet young innocent thing. Gawd, that makes me predatory and protective all at the same time. Can't explain it.
-doing physio exercises diligently - and then not. I have periods of increase or a good plateau, and then I'll decline and plateau and get down and unmotivated. Fortunately, I still do a bit of walking and a fair bit of sex with the boy, so not completely sedentary
-volunteering here in my building. A core group of us are slowly building an intentional community. I'm a volunteer librarian and part of the writing group here. We may put out a newsletter and/or slambook. I'm attempting to start a meditation group, so far there's not much interest.
-the usual pervy activities. Mostly with the boy, but I'm still dating and poly. Heh, my birthday week was awesome, I wound up having sex with four different guys - all very nice guys. Good times! I'm volunteering less as a dungeon monitor and doing things like door duty, and my fave, being a greeter. That job entails saying hello to people, answering questions, and showing them around. Last time I did a tour of the dungeon using DuckConference (the boy) to demonstrate the equipment. I especially enjoyed putting him in the sex sling.
-this weekend I'm doing the Landmark Forum. It's a three and a half day personal development course, and it is intense. Their premise is that they help you put the past in the past where it belongs, and then figure out how to get unstuck and move forward.
-I'm really liking my new place, my neighbors and the neighborhood. I can see me putting down roots here if things continue to go this positively
-I seem to have allergies all of a sudden. After 31 years with none, suddenly I'm having seasonal allergic reactions to something in the air outside. It sucks! I'm feeling even more tired and worn down than usual. I need to go see my doctor. I have no idea how to treat allergies.

All right, off to do stuff and be productive. Keep checking my Twitter feed, I update more there.

You Lookin' At Me?

2009-05-13T23:46:00.003-07:00

I don't know what I was doing today, but whatever it was, it worked. Two people called me pretty, and one called me beautiful, unsolicited. These are people I met out and about doing appointments, people I needed to interact with like bus drivers and receptionists. People who clearly were not trying to pick me up.

People kept smiling at me all day long too. It was an awesome day! It couldn't have been my polished facade because I was in jeans and a zipped shirt, with my hair shoved up in a clip. I don't even know if I washed my face, and people are responding to me like...I'm great and gorgeous. It must have been my energy. I cleared a whole bunch of childhood stuff out of me last night, and today it's all integrating peacefully. I think people are sensing my joyous rebirth and are drawn towards it, the way people are drawn towards babies. We love new, fresh energy! Whatever the explanation, I was grateful and slightly humbled by all the niceness.

Maybe the Ativan helped. I had to take 2 mg for a trip to the dentist today. Ativan has made me very peaceful and floaty. A bit hazy and easily confused too! I'm focusing on the happy buzz while it last. Over and out!

Feeling a Bit Touchy

2009-05-10T05:07:00.003-07:00

I had another fabulous night at SinCity tonight. The theme was medical fetish, so I wrapped a bandage around my head and put fake blood on the bandage to look like a head trauma patient. I took the cane to use as a prop, but wound up ditching it because it was getting in the way. It's really great to go from needing a cane all the time to using it as a prop!

I got to dance a lot tonight, and didn't really feel much pain. I got to do some hot dirty dancing with my friend SoccerGirl, and made out with her later. My friend, male, who was watching us intently (I wonder why ;P) pointed out later that my movements are much less stiff when I'm making out with someone. I concur. I get much stronger and more flexible during sex. It's all the endorphins and oxytocin, plus added motivation to move.

Guys still keep touching me without asking when I'm out at nightclubs. I've concluded two things. The first is that I simply do not get heterosexual meat market culture. The second is that I'm really paranoid when people I do not know touch me, especially men. This wasn't always a problem for me. I used to be fine with it, until guys started using casual light touching to segue into a grope. Now that almost always happens when guys touch me casually. So I don't like being touched if I don't know you. It's hard to deal with in a nightclub, because asking someone not to touch your shoulder or arm is rather...excessive, I think. And yet, if I let them, they're almost guaranteed to then put their arm around me and grope something. So I try to extricate myself ASAP. As for guys who do touch me in a place I don't like, their hand just gets pushed away and they're told not to touch me.

I don't understand why this is acceptable. I don't understand why other women are seemingly OK with it, unless they're too scared to speak up. I know that happens frequently. Is it part of straight nightclub culture? Why don't guys understand my signals when I pull away and step back? *sigh*

Interestingly, a girl did the whole putting the hand on the small of my back thing to pass by me on the dance floor. I allowed it to see how I'd feel. It wasn't as bad as it would be if a guy had done it, because the element of danger was removed, but I still wasn't keen on it. I just don't like people daring to take the liberty of touching my body without asking, goddammit. How dare they? Why doesn't my body get to be my own anymore? When did it become public property, for everyone's use? This is triggering my PTSD somewhat, but in a good way. I'm very, very angry at all the people who have ever touched me without permission, and I'm really glad I'm getting better at dealing with it. Go me.

Sex Wreckage

2009-05-09T18:15:00.000-07:00

Last night after sex with the boy, my floor was covered in clothing, condoms and one broken lamp.

Obviously, it was a good night. ;)

Pills and Progress

2009-05-04T12:47:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I graduated to a much shorter pill stack, and I'm thrilled. In my purse I carry this pill divider that is basically a cylinder with a series of tiered containers. It looks rather like this. When I first bought it, I filled all 7 tiers to the brim with medications. That was, I believe, in November. Yesterday I was refilling the stacks and somehow only wound up stacking four. I've managed to cut back on my meds dramatically! Every little sign of progress is incredibly heartening.

Some other notable improvements; I hardly ever use my canes to walk anymore, I finally found some medications that control my fibromyalgia, I have far fewer migraines, I eat waay better now, I use way less "as needed" meds like Ativan and Tylenol 3, I'm exercising regularily, I'm in decent shape from physio, and I've lost 35 lbs since last fall. I'm a freaking size 5! I haven't been a size 5 since high school. Many of my skinny clothes are loose on me now.

Progress rocks. Sometimes my health will hit a plateau where it doesn't get any better or worse, and that makes me crazy. I always want to feel better, be able to do more. Hell, I was like that *before* the disabilities, always pushing my body to do better. It frustrates me to work and work and see no visible improvement for a really long time. I hit a plateau from January - April this year, and am finally starting to climb up again. It's exciting!

Second Failed Twitter Post

2009-04-26T21:45:00.004-07:00

Home from SinCity. A girl I've been lusting after for a while grabbed me and made out with me in the girl's room, then walked off into the crowd. I love it when what I want falls into my lap, nearly literally in this case, as she was a bit tipsy. She is an incredibly passionate kisser. I need to get her phone number. Fortunately, a good friend of mine is dating her, so not a problem.

At the end of the night, my friend got handed a bunch of helium balloons. I was wistfully envious, and he's a red-blooded guy, so he gave them to me. They're clipped to my fridge with a magnet. I love balloons.

I got to spend time with several people I care about tonight. A happy night indeed.

Twittering and Tittering

2009-04-26T11:47:00.004-07:00

I've set up a Twitter account and plan to add the feed here as soon as I figure out how. I think tweeting will help me keep folks better up-to-date. It's also a great helper for writing short blog posts. Typing in the little box with restricted character usage makes you pick your words very carefully. Might want to look into it, Ms. Pet. Of course, it took me two whole days to figure out why the submit button wouldn't work. :) Over-verbose? Me?

So here's my first tragically failed Twitter post from April 24th.

I'm finally making a proper twitter post. Tonight at a party, I actually caught a falling strawberry with my cleavage. I can't normally catch *anything*. It's clear that my breasts are far more agile than my hands.

My friends in university had this game where they'd try to throw Skittles down my cleavage. Their aim was also surprisingly accurate. Proof of my theory that breasts are magical.

An additional note: an acquaintance informed me that it was the hottest thing ever. Says him, "OMG, hottest thing ever. You lifted it to your lips, rubbed them a little with the strawberry, and then dropped it right between your breasts. HAWT."

Grins. What do you expect? Breasts are magical and I'm a witch.

Wished we'd caught it on film.

Poking My Head Out of My Shell

2009-04-26T11:26:00.004-07:00

I really miss blogging. I think I'm coming back. I wasn't blogging because A) From June 2008 - April 1st 2009 I was in perpetual crisis and all my energy went towards hanging on to hope and climbing up to zero B) my fibromyalgia was very painful, and typing really made my arms flare up. It still does, actually, so I have to be very moderate in my Internet activities. *takes break from typing* See? Tired already.

So if I can make this a regular thing again, my blog posts are going to be much shorter and to the point. No more long-winded introspective posts every day! I think being forced into succintness is really a good thing for me. I use too many words anyway. It will also help me organize my thoughts better.

The other change I want to make will make you laugh. I want to be freer to open up and express myself. My regular readers are probably pop-eyed and exclaiming, "How is that possible?" Well, I've frequently censored myself or not shared something because I felt it was TMI or would upset people. I'm throwing that out the window. Sexuality and kink is a huge part of who I am, and why shouldn't I talk about it at length?

I've going to vary all of the topics I talk about, actually. My disability is, of course, one of the core parts of who I am, but it's not all of me. I want to focus on sharing the whole Zephyr experience with you all.

I'm glad to be back! Sexy posts on the way.

I Can Haz Range of Motion?

2009-02-25T14:50:00.002-08:00

Today I finished my physiotherapy program, which makes me both sad and relieved. Sad, because I like physio and it does me a lot of good. Relieved, because I have way more free time now. I'm elated about the results I've acheived from the program though. My physiotherapist measured my range of motion in my hips and knees, and did strength tests today. I've gained significant increases in range and strength! I even have more range in my knees, which is amazing. My knee range hasn't changed since I was a little girl. I love my physiotherapist. I gave her a hug before I left and thanked her. Her parting words were a nice kick in the butt. "Don't forget to keep pushing yourself through the fibromyalgia. Exercise will make it better. Don't let the fibromyalgia win!" It's true, although one has to be careful to get the right exercise in the right amounts with fibro, or it actually makes things worse. I think I just need to get better sleep so I can heal from the exercise I do, personally. My sleep cycle sucks.

I needed that. I was very much having a bad week and feeling burnt out and sorry for myself. Seeing physical progress reminds me that there are some really positive changes happening for me. Sometimes I lose sight of that when things pile up on me.

Gotta go to acupuncture.

This is Getting Ridiculous

2009-02-22T01:25:00.004-08:00

Tonight at Rascals I discovered quite accidentally that breasts have the power to take me out of a black rage. I never cease to be amazed by all the wonderful things that breasts can do. Upon pointing this out to my friends, I suddenly had one woman rubbing breasts against my back and the other shoving my face between her corsetted tits.

I must have some really amazing karma points saved up somewhere.

On the subject of the black rage - tonight I was in severe pain and fibro fog, and got lost between the bus stop and the party venue. This doesn't really sound so terrible, except for this - it was kitty corner from a house I lived in FOR TWO FUCKING YEARS!!!! And the venue is a place I've been to dozens and dozens of times before, I've gotten dropped off at the bus stop hundreds of times, and oh yeah, it's across the street from I place I lived in for two goddamn years. The next person who tells me that my cognitive malfunctioning isn't that severe and can be easily fixed, or suggests I'm using my fibromyalgia as an excuse for not paying attention, is getting a swift kick in the head.

All right, now that I've gotten that out, I'm going back to thinking of the wonderful breasts I had rubbed against me. Night!

The Other Foot

2009-02-12T18:28:00.002-08:00

I know I don't post near enough on this blog. I'm always either too sick, stressed or busy, and the fibromyalgia makes typing hurt. I'm hyperfocused on my health right now. I used to joke that taking care of my health was a full-time job, and now I really do put in at least part-time hours. It's exhausting but rewarding. But it means no energy for things like blogging. :( I'm sure when I start to get really strong, I'll be back more frequently.

Anyway, I saw my surgeon yesterday and we're doing the other foot! It's not an ankle replacement, he's fusing the talonavicular joint to the subtalar joint. I'll be in less pain, have no damage to the rest of my foot, and won't lose any range of motion. In other words, I'll be absolutely wonderful. I'm so excited. We might do it as early as April. Ever since I left rehab in the fall I've been wishing I could go back. I wasn't ready to leave and didn't feel like I was really strong enough to be returning to the community. I've done well nevertheless but it has been *brutally* difficult and stressful. I'm gonna convince them to let me stay as long as possible.

Yay!

Housebound and Stir-Crazy

2009-01-16T22:49:00.001-08:00

I've been a partial shut-in for a month now because of this stupid snow. My choices are 1) go out walking in it, which makes the fibromyalgia flare badly 2) take Handydart, which costs more money here in Coquitlam and takes forever to book or 3) stay in. Now that the snow is mostly melted, you'd think I'd be able to go out in the wheelchair fine, but the stupid gas station on the corner won't shovel their sidewalks, including the eastbound busstop, so I'm forced to huff it on foot. I was doing really well before the snow, and now I'm in pain all the time from having to walk everywhere. I've called the city here, but the city of Coquitlam is the worst ever for inefficient bureaucracy, it seems. Having a wheelchair makes my life ten times better, but only if I can actually get to use it in the city.

Gawd, Vancouver has problems but they're not this bad. Every time I've called the city of Coquitlam for help with something, which has been 3 times to the present date, I've gotten nowhere. I'm starting to hate the 'burbs.

Presents for Meeee!

2008-12-19T23:11:00.003-08:00

Man, today feels like Christmas to me. I've gotten so many gifts today! It's not my birthday or anything! First a package came in the mail from my mother. I haven't opened it yet, as I suspect it's for Christmas. Then a huge food hamper arrived for me. I went out to physio, and when I returned, Lil D had a USB ethernet card for me that she and a friend had chipped in on, and big warm blankets from that said friend. Then my..dunno what to call him, submissive gentleman friend? Anyway, he came over with a PVC coat, two pairs of pirate boots, and a pair of biker-type boots for me. He's a PVC worshipper, so we did a worship scene afterwards, which was all kinds of fun.

At one part in our scene, I had to go to the kitchen for a migraine med, as I had a slight migraine going on. While out in the hallway, our friend who lives downstairs briefly chatted with me on the stairs. I love that here I was, dressed in head-to-toe slutty PVC and he doesn't even seem to notice, like I was just wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I love that this is my normal.

Driving a wheelchair is both hilarious and frustrating. I have lots of comical mishaps that crack me up. I'm currently lobbying Translink and the city's engineering department to make my nearest bus stop wheelchair accessible, and to put curb cuts in my neighborhood. Gawd, red tape and bureaocracy makes me crazy. But at least I'm getting a crash course in Assertiveness 101 and Dealing with Bureaocrats. There's an art to it, I'm discovering. You have to speak their language, in other words, pretend to be upper middle-class to rich, educated, and always able to say and do the right thing in social situations. It's a lot of work! Fortunately, I have some skills in the last two, so I can fake it until I learn the lingo and the customs of these strange people we call bureauocrats. I feel like an anthropologists some days.

I'm Not Really Doing So Well - Vent and Rant Mode On

2008-12-07T05:46:00.010-08:00

I was talking to a friend on the phone tonight and he was concerned because I posted on one of my email lists that I was feeling under the weather. I told him that I was doing OK and needed to rest to keep myself from heading into a big health slump. I'm not so sure I'm not there already. It's 5:49 AM and I haven't slept yet. I've been in bed since 9 PM. Last night I went to bed at 1 AM and didn't fall asleep until 7 AM. As I take medications to help me fall asleep, this is worrisome. Tonight I even made some sleepy tea with skullcap, nettles, passion flowers and linden and it made me drowsy for a bit, but I didn't sleep at all.

It's the pain that's keeping me awake. I spent three days cleaning and doing chores to get the house ready for the new roomie, and it sent the fibromyalgia into a huge flare. Now the pain is keeping me up nights and neither codeine or oxycodone or even marijuana is helping with it. To boot, the narcotics are making me throw up and have stomach cramps, and are adding to the insomnia. And the insomnia is making the fibromyalgia pain worse! I'm heading into a bad downward spiral and I don't know how to reverse it. A good night's sleep would help! I'm dog tired and yet I can't fall asleep. It's disgusting. A massage or a day in a hot tub would help too, I suppose. Anyone wanna massage me in their hot tub? :D

My food intolerances are way out of whack. Almost everything I eat makes me sick nowadays. It's probably because every godamn commercial food on the market seems to have milk in it, and milk does very bad things to my system these days. I suspect the whole year I spent in bed with a migraine was mostly due to lactose intolerance, sadly, because I drank tea with milk every day.

My immune system is SOO stressed out. I've had infections just one after the other in the last month. First bronchitis, than a UTI, then yeast, and now the psoriasis on my scalp is flaring up...and I haven't had the psoriasis flare in 5 years, and not this badly in about 8 or so. Not good.

It's so depressing, because right before the move my health was on the mend and things were moving up. I was having rope bondage wrestling sessions! And now my torso hurts so much that reading in bed makes my pectorals and arms stiff and sore.

It's not all bad. Thanks to my amazing physiotherapist, I am now bendy and mobile in ways I haven't been in years. Everyone's remarking on it. I'm pissed that everything else in my life is interfering with physio. I've been forced to miss about three appointments and now I have to cut down to two sessions a week instead of 4. And I was doing lots of exercises every day and now it's a struggle just to do basic range of motion because my muscles hurt so damn much. When you're not sleeping and running yourself ragged, you don't get a chance to heal and your muscle fibers get torn and hurt like fuck. That makes further exercise not a great idea. If I could just get some sleep and rest I could go back to my daily physio regimen and 4 weekly appointments, but I'm too stressed and sick to sleep.

A month or so ago most of my fantasies revolved around the nasty things I was planning to do to some boys I know, and you know what I fantasize about these days? Going back to GF Strong so I can get some sleep and more physio and navigate an environment that's designed for wheelchair users. Isn't that sad, that being in the hospital was a vacation for me? I miss it! Everthing I needed was available, I always had help when I needed it right away, there were great staff and patients, and good recreation programs...I know I'll get over it when being out and about gets easier, but being post-op is always a bitch, especially with fibromyalgia and moving.

I haven't had a chance to talk here on the blog about my new wheelchair. It's a Quantum 6000-Z, it's black and red, and it's making my life so much better. However, it is also a huge life adjustment and a big-time stressor. FYI, I don't need to use it all the time, I use it out in public to get from building to building to save myself from having to walk a lot and carry things. It's really more of a pain and fatigue prevention device for me, and it's fabulous. I can only walk 1 or 2 short blocks at a time comfortably, and even carrying my purse is hard on my shoulders - and I don't even overload it like most girls. You can imagine how hard it is for me, getting around the city on foot and shopping in the Vancouver rain without the chair! Not fun. I used to only be able to do one errand or appointment a day, two max. Now I can do anywhere from 1 to 6 depending on my energy level. That is an incredible improvement!

The downside is, even in a very accessible city like Vancouver, the world is not created for wheelchair users, especially people with weak upper body strength. The first week I drove it out in the wide world I burst into tears pretty much every day because I couldn't figure out how to do something basic, like get through a door. I've gotten much better at figuring things out, and am even turning into an OK driver, but it's a constant challenge and guess what? There are no driving schools for new wheelchair users! There's so much you have to figure out, on the spot, or else wait for a TAB to come along and help, which is endlessly humiliating. There are so many doors that are too heavy for me to open. There are so many times you have to change directions because you realize there's no curb cut in front of you. There are quite a few times I've almost been hit by a car because the driver wasn't watching where they were going.

And the transit system - I'm eternally grateful that all buses are now accessible in Vancouver, but I wish TABS would get with the program and let people in wheelchairs on first instead of last! It makes it way easier for everyone, and makes me less likely to run over their toes! And why the hell are the seatbelts on the floor where I can't reach them to buckle myself in? It would save a lot of time and trouble for the driver - I realize not everyone CAN buckle themselves in, but some of us would prefer to do it ourselves. And what the hell is up with the weird release thingies? Even the bus drivers have trouble with them!

A few weeks ago I was waiting for the 143 and a bus driver refused to let me on because the bus stop I was waiting at 'wasn't a designated wheelchair stop.' I blinked at him and he told me it 'wasn't accessible.' I countered that there was plenty of room on the sidewalk for me to get onto the ramp, and there was a wall behind the sidewalk. It was completely safe! When pressed further, he pointed out that the sign didn't have a little blue wheelchair painted on it, so he wasn't obligated to pick me up. In all the time he took to explain that to me, he could have loaded me on the freaking bus. Can you believe that? When Lil D and I called Translink about it, they told us they could make the stop accessible for me - in a month! It takes a whole month to paint a little blue wheelchair thingie on a sign!

There are days when I'm so beaten down by being marginalized and patronized that I don't even have the energy to fight it or protest it. You're just so tired, from the poor treatment, and the disabilities themselves. The other day I had an old lady patting my head, which no one ever does to TABS, and I was so exhaused I didn't tell her to quit it. Yeah, so she was invading my space, but an elevator ride takes 3 seconds and explaining disability rights to old ladies takes forever. You have to pick your battles. Plus I was distracted because the elevator had an 'Out of Order' sign on it, and I was upset because I thought it meant I had to go to another skytrain, but then a bus driver came along and told me it was for maintenence and let us in the elevator with a key, and the head-patting occurred while we were talking. Grrrr! Don't pat my fucking head, and don't talk to me when I'm talking to a skytrain worker already. I don't care if you like my pretty braids, lady! I'm not a little girl, not even an ageplay little girl anymore. Only ScratchDaddy was ever allowed to pat my head. Oh, and the hot domme I did Mommy Play with once. Anyway....

My doctor is making me crazy too. My GP is a fucking moron who treats me like a hypochondriac and doesn't do his job. He takes months to refer me to a specialist, patronizes me, insults me, and is very content to let things go undiagnosed, like the migraines that kept me in bed for a year. If it wasn't for a doctor at a walk-in clinic, I wouldn't have gotten referred to a neurologist at all, because my GP called my migraines 'tension headaches'. What an idiot. On the flip side, when I told him I thought I had a UTI he just wrote me a prescription without even asking me my symptoms, let alone running a test! The only reason I've kept him is because the other GPs that were taking new patients only wanted pregnant women. Oh, and because he prescribes narcotics. It's hard to find walk-in clinics that prescribe a lot of the meds I need. I hate that about Vancouver. Not all of us on heavy-duty drugs are junkies. Some of us are actually SICK and need them.

The fibromyalgia, drugs and stress are eating my brains. I'm having debilitating issues with memory, concentration, navigation, spatial perception, and comprehension. It's like having ADD, dyslexia, and Alzheimer's all at once. It's really overwhelming and scary sometimes, like when you're at an intersection you've been at a dozen times before, and you spin around and around and around, but you just can't figure out which way north is. And then once you find out, you forget two seconds later! During the first week of the move, it really was that bad for me. It's fortunately gotten better since then, but it's still not great.

I don't comprehend everything friends say to me, and have to ask them to repeat themselves several times, which they find annoying. I've also had some whacky situations because I misunderstood or misquoted something. If I don't write things down, there's a very good chance I won't remember them, so I keep pens, paper and my phone always at hand. It's very bad, having such cognitive problems when I have so many things to do - but of course, having so much on my plate is contributing to the cognitive malfunction.

I've been a bit silly lately. Being a new wheelchair user, I either need a lot more help, or it gets offered, and often thrust upon me, whether I need it or not. Not a day goes by when I don't need to ask somebody for help with something, and some days I have to ask for quite a bit of help. It really, REALLY gets to me. Do you have any idea how aggravating it is to have to ask everyone around you for help all the time, and not always be sure you'll get help when you need it, even if you desperately need it? Honestly, I have always found it to be absolutely fucking inconvenient and downright humilating sometimes. I don't know if that's a PC way to feel about it, but that's the way it is.

So lately I've actually been able to do a lot more things for myself due to my improved mobility. I got carried away and decided that since I was now so much more capable, I wasn't going to ask for help with stuff unless I absolutely COULD NOT do it myself. You can see where this is going. Stuff piled up real fast and got out of control and I realized that even if I COULD do all that stuff alone, it was far more efficient and better for my health and relationships if I actually asked for some damned help already. So I did. It was embarassing but I did it.

Part of that was posting here that I was a bit overwhelmed with moving stuff and could use help with home set-up stuff, and asking if anyone had a spare router they didn't need. It was really hard for me to post that, especially after so many people helped me with the eviction and the move. I felt bad asking for more help after all that. It was hard to reach out but I did it. And then some girl who doesn't even know me writes in my comments that I'm 'needy' and don't give back! What a blow.

I know it's not true, I know I've contributed LOTS to my community, but who needs to hear that? She doesn't know me, she doesn't know what I do for other people, what contributions I've made to the community - 5 years of regular volunteering for BDSM events, incidentally, even dragging my ass out of rehab for a whole weekend to attend a refresher training with a killer migraine. Also, being High Priestess of a coven and volunteering for the Pagan community whenever possible. My contributions do not always match that of TABS in quantity, but I know that what I've given has often been great in quality.

If she's been reading for a while, she DOES know that in the last year I've been through two major breakups, an ankle replacement, an eviction while recovering from said surgery, an infestation of my premesis, potential homelessless, being transient for months, a huge move, being very sick most of the time, being diagnosed with fibromyalgia and learning to deal with it, and being a new wheelchair user. Basically, going through the kind of cluster stress that causes heart attacks. Who the hell wouldn't need extra help after all that? If you took out the disability stuff, most TABS would go nuts! Where does she get off judging me? Where does anyone get off judging me for asking for help? It's not my fucking fault I'm sick, and that the world isn't set up for people like me, which forces me to ask for more help than TABS.

I don't usually get this defensive with trolls - I usually ignore them - but this rant has been building up since I was six. 24 years of being made to feel like hell for needing extra help will do that to you.

Oh, and people who stigmatize HSV-2 carriers are assholes. A recent thread on Fetlife has been very interesting and in many ways very distressing. I wish people would do their homework and stop having knee-jerk panic reactions to genital HSV-2 carriers.

OK, I think rant and vent mode is off now. I'm good for now. I wanted to let people know WHY I need the extra help, and I needed to express my views about the subject in general.

I still want to do the naughty things to the boys. I think maybe it's time to combine service dominance with play dominance...or do them consecutively perhaps. Find a way to get extra help AND have sexy fun...and spent time with great people.

I know things will improve if I just persevere - and get some damned rest. And I need a vacation already. I don't really celebrate Christmas, but I'm looking forward to it because it's a week of no medical appointments, no bureaucratic phone (tag)calls, school, etc. In other words, a bit of a vacation. I really need to plan something of a vacation for myself, I think, even if it's just vegging and watching movies and stuff. I deserve it.

Moving the Roomie Update

2008-12-01T00:35:00.001-08:00

The roomie decided to move in tomorrow instead of today, but we got everything done that we needed to do to prepare for her arrival tomorrow. Jaoman, wrye and howitzer came over and helped moved things around and assemble stuff, and do general strong-guy stuff. Yulianna and her boyfriend got the bed over here and set up. Lil D got her captain's bed set up thanks to her pals and jaoman and howitzer, and now her stuff can be unpacked. I got the solarium cleaned out competeley and all my things into storage. Thank you so much guys! You were absolutely invaluable. You all rawk. :)

FYI - Why I Post Asking For Help Sometimes

2008-11-30T23:10:00.002-08:00

A nasty little troll pointed out that I hardly ever post on my blogs these days except to ask for help. I told her to shove it - that I have a lot on my plate, and that my friends are always telling me when I need help, I should ask for it instead of suffering and struggling to do things on my own. I actually don't ask for help ENOUGH as it is!

Anyway, the reasons I'm not posting much are:

1) I'm incredibly busy with post-rehab - I do physio twice a week, an hour with my physiotherapist, and then an hour in the pool. I also go to my gp or the clinic several times a week, and to the pharmacy. Thanks to the ankle replacement, my multiple health issues, and the stress of the past 6 months, I'm getting sick quite a bit and keeping on top of my health is an almost daily job. I'm going out of the house to do medical stuff almost every day. If I didn't stay so vigilant, I'd be falling apart at the seams. That I'm not a mess is an incredibly testament to my perserverance and unrelenting hope right now. You don't need to worry about me - it's not huge stuff, but in the past month I've dealt with the flu, bronchitis, a urinary tract infection and I suspect minor bladder infection, and I'm having a small fibro flare. I've dealt with far worse than this, but if I don't stay on top of it, it can spiral downhill really fast. So yeah, I don't really have time or energy to post about it all.

2) Every spare moment I'm home is spent unpacking, cleaning, making phone calls, organizing things, consulting with the roomie, studying, making neccessary emails. I don't really get to do social calls or emails much these days unless people contact me, and then I have to keep it brief. As it is I have a huge pile of unanswered emails. I'm sorry if I haven't responded to any email anyone has sent me - and I will get back to you, I swear! I've had to cut back on socializing and BDSM stuff drastically to keep up with medical stuff and home-making stuff, which is hard on my mental health, but it has to be done to keep the other parts of my life in balance. Them's the breaks.

3) My to-do list is longer than my arm, and every time I knock something off of it, I have to add something else to it. Many of the things on the list I can't even do myself. I either need manpower, money, or tools I don't have...or I need someone to call me, or email me, or bring something over, etc, to get the thing done. I'm up to my eyeballs in things to do. Moving into a new place is very stressful and busy, especially when it's a house on a property. It's not like living in an apartment building where the super can do anything that needs to be done.

4) The owner of the house is lovely, but he doesn't know much about building or fixing things, and everything he touches seems to break. So we have a bunch of major things that don't work or need to be fixed up, like the garage door, the washer and dryer, the fireplace, the hot water tank, the gas heater, the cable wiring system, the fridge, the yard, etc, etc. Again, money, manpower and tools are needed for this, which I don't have, so getting these things done takes a lot of innovation, help from friends and organizing..and TIME. We've pretty much decided not to have the owner fix anything from here on out, because he messes everything up, so we're on our own with home repairs and such.

5) When I'm not going crazy trying to do the aforementioned thing, I'm busy resting. If I don't get enough rest, I can't recover from all the exertion and stress, and if that happens, I'll get really sick and wind up in the hospital, or worse, get really sick and the hospital won't have room for me as seems to be par for the course here in BC these days.

The bitchy little troll who posted that comment has no idea what it's like to try to fix up a new house you just moved into when you're two chicks on disability who both have a list of diagnoses as long as your arm, especially when we both have several auto-immune disorders that are exascerbated by stress. She can SOO go to hell. Normally, I wouldn't post about this and feed the trolls, but it needs to be said. Of course we're asking our friends for help! Even able-bodied people would be doing the same. I'm asking for help on my blogs because then all my friends get to read it and it's easier than calling or emailing them all one by one!

There's an old term called barn-raising, and that's essentially what I'm trying to do. In the old days, if someone in a village needed a barn built, they'd ask people in the village to come over with tools and help them build the barn, or 'raise the barn'. That's what these blog-posts are for. I'm trying to raise my barn, or get my house in order, so I can have Rope 'n' Grope, and events, and parties, and have friends over. People keep asking me, 'when will Rope 'n' Grope start again' and I want to tell them I can start it right away...but the truth is, it can start as soon as my home is in order, and I need help to do that.

I'm saying this now, and it'll sound harsh; if you feel the same way 'Tia' does, that all I ever do is ask for help, and that you don't think I'm worth it, or give back enough, or that you just find it annoying...kindly remove yourself from my friend or email lists, don't read my blog, and don't bother to talk to me ever again. I've been putting up with that kind of shit since I was diagnosed with JRA at six and I don't need it in my life anymore.

My best friends keep getting mad at me for not asking for help often enough, or for not asking for it soon enough, and waiting too long for it. That is not a noble trait, that is a flaw I have to fix. I am NOT needy, do not give me shit about playing any sympathy cards..because if I don't get the help I need from my friends and community, I CAN'T do anything for anyone else...I can't be there for friends, can't have them come over and hang out, can't host Rope 'n' Grope, can't counsel them when they need me, can't do anything but try to keep my head above water while swimming against an upstream current. I didn't ask for a body that doesn't work and a brain that often malfunctions because of fibromyalgia and drugs, OK? I'm dealing with it the best I can....and that means I need a lot of help. If you don't like that, then don't bother talking to me. I don't need your hostility. You haven't walked a block in my shoes with my canes, so don't give me your shit. Move along.

Need a Wireless Adapter Compatible with Windows Vista and Dell

2008-11-30T11:51:00.002-08:00

Howdy y'all.

My roommate Lil D has tried for a month to get me on our wireless network here at home. We have Shaw, incidentally. She's set up on the wireless network just fine. She installed a D-link wireless adapter in my computer, which is a Dell 2.4 ghz computer with Vista. She's tried installing and reinstalling the drivers three times for the card. Nada. I've tried troubleshooting with several very tech-savvy people, including a friend who does internet tech-support for a living. Nothing. It appears that the card is incompatible with Vista. What I need is a wireless adapter that is compatible with Vista, because the card and Vista are not communicating. I have wires strung across the solarium and it's so not safe and highly unsightly. So, I thought I'd throw it out there to see if anyone I know has one lying around they're not using and can donate to a worthy person. :D

Stressed Out With Moving and Requesting Help Again [

2008-11-29T21:48:00.001-08:00

Our new roommate is moving in tomorrow. We have a bed for her, but it's at someone elses' house, and we have no way to get it here. We're needing someone with a truck My number is 604 or van to help us get it over here. Tracey also needs help to get her captain's bed together - she basically needs a couple of strong people with power tools, including an electric drill. Without having her bed together, she can't unpack because she needs the shelving space, and if she can't unpack, she can't get her stuff out of the new roommate's room, and the new roommate can't move her stuff into the new room. We also need to get a desk moved into the new roomie's room, and some things moved around down in the garage for storage, so we can make room for all the new stuff.

Most of this stuff isn't all that hard, but the two of us just can't do it alone, so I'm reaching out to my friends for help, like many of you have told me I should do. There are some other things that we will also be needing help with in the future in order to get the new house set up and working properly. The great thing is, once it's done, we can rest and enjoy it and have Rope 'n' Grope and parties and whatnot. :)

If you think you can drop by and help out tomorrow, or anytime in the near future, please do let me know. Most of you have my cell, if not, email me. Pmail is giddyzephyr@yahoo.com.

The Sign Says It All

2008-11-16T21:15:00.003-08:00

Seven Wheelchairs: A Life beyond Polio

2008-11-14T21:38:00.002-08:00

Here's a comment I'm posting from one of my readers, gary Presley, announcing the recent publication of his book, Seven Wheelchairs: A Life beyond Polio. I apologize for not writing an actual post, Gary, but I'm tired and my hands hurt, so I'm just reposting your comment in its entirety. I hope that's OK!

Seven Wheelchairs: A Life beyond Polio was recently released by The University of Iowa Press.

The memoir is a history -- an American tale -- of my fifty year wheelchair journey after being struck by both bulbar and lumbar poliomyelitis after a vaccine accident in 1959. The Press says Seven Wheelchairs gives "readers the unromantic truth about life in a wheelchair, he escapes stereotypes about people with disabilities and moves toward a place where every individual is irreplaceable."

Other reviewers have called Seven Wheelchairs "sardonic and blunt," "a compelling account," and "powerful and poetic."

I hope you can mention Seven Wheelchairs on your blog. We all live different disability stories, I know, but perhaps if you find the memoir worthwhile, you might want to recommend the book to others who are curious about what polio or disability in general.

Of course, the book is also available through Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

--
Gary Presley www.garypresley.com
SEVEN WHEELCHAIRS: A Life beyond Polio
Fall 2008 University of Iowa Press

I'm So Tired

2008-11-14T20:50:00.002-08:00

I'm so tired I want to cry right now. That's one of the worst things about fibromyalgia, the kind of soul-crushing fatigue that blackens your mood. I haven't been sleeping well lately, and sleep is crucial for people with FM, as one of the root problems for people with FM is having a sleep disturbance. I actually had to miss a physio appointment because of the lack of sleep. I have bronchitis and the hacking has kept me awake for the last one and a half nights.

I hate FM fatigue. Sometimes I get so tired I can literally feel the chemicals in my brain switch from happy to sad. It's pretty amazing, and really fascinating, I find. The adverse is true, luckily. When I do things like excercise, sleep, do BDSM, get a massage, snuggle, (in other words, things that get me out of my damned head and get oxygen or endorphins into my brain) I can feel the brain chemicals shift back to happy. But right now I am not Happy Cat. :(

It'll pass though. Things are good and looking up. I'm just damned tired from bronchitis, lack of sleep, unpacking, cleaning, and trying to organize things in the new place. My life is too cluttered. I need to simplify. I need to cut back. Unfortunately, AYT is one of the things I've had to cut back on. Right now I need to focus on my health, school, organizing the new place, and BDSM. BDSM is making me very happy lately, especially rope topping. I've been doing needle play as a bottom lately and am going to soon learn how to do it as a top. w00t! Can't wait.

My rope bondage skills have gotten much better this year. It's funny, but I think this year I finally hit a critical mass point mentally. After doing rope bondage for the last 4 or 5 years, I'm finally starting to understand the mechanics of knots and ties. It may sound funny to hear that come from someone who's been tying people up and teaching rope bondage to others for years, but you can actually do basic and intermediate rope work safely without knowing a lot about actual mechanics. However, it's hard to get to the advanced stage without that ability. Most of what I've been doing for the past few years has been basic restraint, decorative bondage, sensual bondage, and therapeutic bondage (one of my faves, especially for pain relief). Lately I've been working with a Houdini/eel and that's been a fun challenge.

I think I'm gearing up to move past intermediate. I need to study some more and then find people to teach me suspension bondage, and keep working with eels. I impressed the heck out of myself this week when I managed to learn the bowline in 20 minutes. When I first started out, it took me 2 months! I also learned the French bowline cuff quickly, and even managed to re-tie the bowline drunk. I think I've got it. :) I credit rehab for this newfound mental ability. I'm finally at a place where my body feels so much better that it's making my brain smarter, and I'm able to learn things more quickly and easily. It gives me hope, even though I still feel like crying right now from fatigue.

I've decided that other than worrying about symptoms, I don't need to worry about the root causes of my anxiety disorder or depression anymore either. I've concluded that those disorders are symptomatic of living with chronic pain and fatigue, and that if I treat the JRA (Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis) and FM, I'll start feeling less anxious and depressed. I was never anxious or depressed a day in my life before being diagnosed with JRA, and those disorders both got far worse after the FM kicked in. I'm still focused on treating the symptoms though, and take antidepressants and carry around sedatives for panic attacks and insomnia. I wouldn't sleep a wink if I didn't take my amytriptyaline! And of course, I still have to treat the post-traumatic stress disorder from the child abuse - that unfortunately, is not a symptom of anything and needs to be dealt with.

Incidentally, on www.fetlife.com, a kink site, there is actually a group called Fibromyalgia and Kink. There are also groups frorarthritis and kink, and disability and kink. I recommend joining if you're kinky. I'm cross-posting this post to my fetlife journal and several groups, and SexAbility, of course. (Hi, Ms. Pet! Love you and miss you! *blows kisses*). I highly recommend adding Katt and reading her posts. She has FM too and has an amazing amount of insight. She is also one of the most compassionate, kindest, and tolerant people I've ever met. She also has a journal called the Pillow Book.

Ok, I'm feeling better. Time to stop writing and give my arms a break, 'cause that won't help with the pain and fatigue! Geeze, I only meant to update, not write a frickin' book.

Change for People with Disabilities: Time to Email Obama!

2008-11-14T20:44:00.001-08:00

On November 4, 2008, millions of people with disabilities across the United States and around the world joined our non-disabled peers in watching the United States election results. Obama supporters cheered or wept to learn that the next US president would be Obama. Then we cheered or wept again when Obama mentioned people with disabilities in his acceptance speech. History was made–not only for America, not only for Black people, not only for Kenya and all of Africa, not only for Indigenous peoples, but also for people with disabilities.

But we cannot afford to allow the moment to end here. Whether we supported Obama, McCain, or another candidate, we all know there is far too much work ahead before we can say, “Yes, we have made real change for people with disabilities.”

It is time for people with disabilities, our loved ones, our neighbors, and colleagues to join together, across ideological divides, to reach out to Obama. We should all send an email to Kareem Dale, Obama’s National Disability Vote Director (at kdale@barackobama.com), WITH COPIES TO Anne Hayes, a volunteer on the Obama Disability Policy Committee (at ahayesku@hotmail.com).

Wow, I read over Obama's platform and am suitably impressed. I wonder if Canadians can email as well? Waiting to hear back from the blog author before I email.

Operation Survivor - excerpt from website

2008-11-14T20:26:00.001-08:00

Ongoing conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan are creating a generation of veterans in the United States from all branches of the armed services and all 50 states who are struggling to overcome physical and psychosocial injuries. Most combat veterans convalescing in military hospitals across the country will survive physically, but getting on with their lives after returning home to their families and communities is proving a significant challenge for hundreds of thousands. Among the 1.6 million who have served since 2001, suicide is on the rise, as is unemployment and incidents of substance abuse and domestic violence.

The successful reintegration of returning service members is an issue that will have a long-lasting impact on American society, and may become the single defining struggle facing this new generation of veterans. Survivor Corps and its partners are determined to avoid the mistakes made when veterans returned from Vietnam, which resulted in tens of thousands of post-war suicides and over 200,000 men and women living on the streets.

To head off this tragic outcome, Survivor Corps will build peer support programs at the community level that will bring service members and veterans together for mutual support and encourage both individual responsibility and collective action to help others in need.

Survivor Corps is offering an alternative “treatment” that can be made readily available in all communities, regardless of proximity to traditional military or govern¬ment centers of support. Our approach is nimble enough to address the needs of individual survivors, while still broad enough to build a coalition of survivors and service providers working to effect long-term positive change.

This new program will help the recovery and reintegration of hundreds of thousands of returning U.S. service members at a critical time for them and their country.

Click Here to read more about Operation Survivor

Zephyr and 'Lil D's Home for People Who Don't Walk So Good, & Don't Do Other Stuff So Good Neither*

2008-11-04T16:23:00.000-08:00

* It's only funny if you've seen Zoolander. Or our house. It's completely modified to be accessible for people with disabilities.

So I've moved to the new place in Coquitlam, and survived the move. Highlights of the move include:

-having a naked man cleaning my bathtub
-LT and I scolding and hurting Matthew for acting up and misbehaving
-finding my bag of rope. Oh, how I've missed it. *happy sigh*
-having a boot fetishist find my box of knee-high boots and proceed to stop everything to sit down and lovingly fondle my boots for a half an hour. He stroked them the way you would pet a cat. Boot and shoe fetishists are funny.

So all my stuff is moved in and I have the basics I need; heat, food, clothes, internet, phone. I have a conundrum though. I can't unpack anything because I need furniture rearranged and moved around within the house. I'm trying to get some people together to do that for me, since I'm a wuss. Can anyone on my fl come over and help out with that? It's not really that much, switching a couple of desks in the solarium, moving a desk out of my room into the solarium, moving a chest of drawers, medium, into my bedroom, and moving a bookshelf from the garage upstairs into my bedroom. A handful of people should suffice I think, three or four or so. Any volunteers?

Man, this place is sweet. It's the nicest place I've ever lived in, hands down. And so big! I'm getting my exercise just walking from room to room.

Sexually Frustrated Cross-Post

2008-11-01T04:43:00.004-07:00

The other night I went to karaoke, drank 7 shots of tequila, and got Up To No Good. As long-time readers may recall, I get really wild and hyper on tequila, as revealed in Depraved Disabled Dykes and Tequila + Techno + Tittie Bars = !ZOMG!Zephyr 8D :*). haven't been able to drink for months because I was on oxycodone for pain after my ankle replacement. I only take it now on really bad days, 10 mg maybe once a week or so, despite intense fibromyalgia pain. Well, on Monday at karaoke, I decided to celebrate the fact that I could drink again by getting blasted on tequila. I got wired and danced, flirted, vamped, and talked people's ears off. Towards the end of the night I may have gotten a tad over-the-top with the sexual innuendo and flirting. My friends didn't mind a bit, but I think I might have scared the new guys who came out. Whoops. :(

Anyway, the real wildness began in the car ride home, and you can read all about it at Sexability in When did men become so fucking complicated?

Productivity Ponderings

2008-10-25T02:56:00.005-07:00

I just read the most excellent advice for chronic pain suffers. A member from Fetlife (name withheld to protect identity) said "It may seem silly, but compiling a daily list of good things in my life, and things that I have achieved, even the so called little things like doing laundry or taking the rubbish out. For "normal" people these may be little things, but for those of us who start the day tired and in pain, they are big things, and we should rightfully feel proud about them."

I think that's an amazing idea. All too often I feel badly because I don't feel like I accomplished anything that day, especially compared to TABs. I think I'll try making a daily list of accomplishments for a while. Boy, I was very productive today, even though I got off to a late start.

Today I:

-answered dozens of emails
-edited my fetlife profile
-cleaned the bathroom floor and toilet
-rinsed things in tub
-took a shower - hey, it doesn't always happen every day, sometimes I just don't have the energy
-got mail from Bard and Idun
-went to the new place in Coquitlam on the bus
-helped Lolita Diva clean the house; dusted the ceilings, walls and floors of two rooms, and dusted furniture and windowsills
-did range of motion and some strengthening exercises

That's a lot for me! I must be feeling better. There's no way I could have done that weeks or even months ago. My pain hasn't improved at all really, but my movement and energy level has. That's something. I think my pain levels would improve if I got better sleep and more R&R. I need to work on that.

I'm exhausted. Time to watch TV and go to bed.

Who'da thunk a guy would have sex with me, AND plunge my toilet?

2008-10-20T23:23:00.001-07:00

So. Very. Tired. Went to GF Strong for appointments and visited a...friend. And by friend I mean fellow patient I had sex with while in rehab. :D I sprung him free and took him back here for a second round. I'm very surprised it happened at all, because when we got here the toilet overflowed and clogged, and I tried to deal with it and failed. He was actually generous enough to plunge the toilet and it worked! I then cleaned the bathroom in bleach solution and collapsed, this after taking a load of dishes out of the dishwasher, drying them, and putting another load in. Ye gods. That's a lot for me.

I was so chagrined. I don't like to ask my dates to plunge my toilet for me! Ew ew ew. But he did, and afterwards he rubbed my poor sore feet, and I got some. Funny story. I called E. and asked her when she'd be home, because I didn't want her to walk in on us in the living room. She replies with "Oh, you can use my bed. And if you need condoms, they're in the bottom drawer. Oh, and help yourself to any of the sex toys as long as you're clean and sanitary about it." I love my friends. This guy is a vanilla guy, or so I thought, but apparently he has lots of kinky fantasies he'd like to fulfill. Figures. I think I am completely incapable of attracting 100% vanilla people. Or I always turn them kinky. Hee hee.

Must go. Arms hurt from typing.

I found a place to live!

2008-10-20T01:44:00.001-07:00

I will be moving at the beginning of November to a new place in Coquitlam, about a ten minute bus ride from Lougheed skytrain. It's a house, with 3 of us in the suite upstairs, and a kinky person my roommate knows in the downstairs suite. It is fully accessible with a wheelchair lift! The place is very nice, huge, with a solarium and lots of windows, perfect for Rope n Grope. I don't exactly know when I'll be moving in, but I'll keep people posted. If any of you can help me move or unpack, I would very very much appreciate it. Chances are we'll have a cube van, and everything is boxed up, so we just need people to move things and help me unpack things, if possible. I intend to have munches and things to drink this time. I would have done the same last time had the situation not been so sudden and severe.

Incidentally, AJ and I will be throwing a Thank You party for all the volunteers who have helped me out with the eviction crisis, and anyone who is able to help with the upcoming move. I really really really appreciate the love and loyalty. I would not have gotten through this without all of you. You're all amazing and I love you.

Forgive the sporadic updates. I really want to post more often but with the fibromyalgia, it hurts too much. I have Dragon, but it's on my computer, which is in storage. I'll be posting more once I move to the new place. Keep checking back!

I Am Out

2008-10-04T20:06:00.003-07:00

Of rehab, that is. They released me last night and I am crashing with these two lovely girls who are spoiling me. All is well. I will go now and update more later because my hands hurt and I'm using a Dvorak keyboard so Im forced to hunt and peck. Toodles!

Busy Rehabbing

2008-09-18T16:56:00.004-07:00

I am busy busy busy in rehab. I'm doing physio twice a day, once in pool and once on land, wheelchair demos, counselling, education sessions, occupational therapy, recreation therapy stuff, etc. I'm also trying to get home care set up. It's nice to finally have my foot in the door - I think I've convinced the medical team that I need it. Now it's all about battling for hours. It's a pain, because I CAN do most things for myself - it's just really painful, tiring and difficult. I need someone to help me do the really hard stuff, to take some of the pressure off, so I can feel better and have more energy for the important things in life. The government doesn't view 'poor quality of life' as a sufficient reason to receive home care, unfortunately.

I almost miss the days when everyone automatically felt sorry for us PWDs. At least then they gave us services we needed then. Now that society knows that we can live normal lives, they expect us to do it, completely on our own and without any help! Middle ground, people. We're not fucking superheroes.

Still no place to live. We found one great place, but hesitated a bit and it went to some other people. *sigh* I've found another place that sounds wonderful, but isn't free until Nov 1st. I've decided that if I have to, I'll couch-surf or rent a room somewhere until something good opens up. The only thing worst than being in transition for a month or two is being in a place I don't like for a year or two.

I have to learn to use Dragon voice recognition software. I do have it. My arms are so tired from typing this. I went a little overboard swimming and splashing in the pool this morning too. Ow.

The Walker boot came off today! Now I just have to wear it when doing extensive walking outside of the room, or if my foot hurts. The muscles in the foot are really weak and wobbly right now. I'm back to using the walker, for a while anyway until it gets stronger.

My physiotherapist gave me weird, good news today. She says that fibromyalgia isn't always a permanent condition, that you can make it better or even get rid of it, if you address the underlying issues of sleep, mood disorders and - what's the other one Ms. Pet? Food? Medication? I totally forget. Oh right, exercise. I have noticed things have gotten much better since I started the physio program here.

Time for supper. *sigh* Hospital cafeteria food. Oh well, at least I don't have to cook it.

More Thanks

2008-09-13T13:12:00.001-07:00

It has come to my attention that donnaidh_sidhe and kirpty also put a huge amount of time and effort into cleaning my apartment. My apologies for not noticing - I didn't spend much time in the apartment, and I was a bit distracted at the time. You guys rock for getting the place so shiny. I can't imagine how hard that must have been. Love you both!

Caveat

2008-09-12T19:09:00.002-07:00

*sigh* I'm feeling bad for what I said in my last post about running down or beating Coyotestone. I didn't mean it. I'm not violent and I don't really want to hurt him. I'm just really, really pissed. I'd never hit someone or run them down unless they were physically threatening me. Or they wanted me to beat them with my cane. Or their name happens to be Matthew and they said something obnoxious one day and I whacked them across the kneecaps. Like I said, unless they wanted me to beat them with my cane.

I'm trying very hard not to get into name-calling or personality-trashing here. I just want to tell the truth about what happened. I might not even be blogging about it at all if I didn't need to be updating people on what's going on, and reaching out for help and support. I generally prefer to keep my relationship drama out of the public sphere, but this relationship drama put me in a crisis situation, in which I was forced to turn to people for help.

Anyway, there you have it. I don't want to hurt my ex. I don't want him suffering at all, actually. And if I've said he's a bastard, or asshole, or anything like that, I take it back. He's not. He's just messed up and not dealing with it, and it's hurting other people, and I've had enough of it.

'Nother 'Tanks

2008-09-07T22:26:00.003-07:00

Profuse thanks to Brian who cleaned my apartment inside and out until it sparkled and shone, which was no easy feat, given that Coyotestone had made an absolute pigsty of it during my rehab stay. One of the reasons my landlady is so angry at me is because she saw the place before Brian cleaned it, and it was seriously disgusting and unsanitary. She doesn't know that before I went to rehab, I did most of the cleaning and kept things hygienic.

I also discovered that she's been leaving notes on my door, trying to get in touch with me for a month and a half, and Coyotestone NEVER ONCE told me about her messages. That man has a lot to answer for. If I ever see him, I may run him down with my chair or beat him with my cane, whichever I happen to be using at the time. I understand now why my landlady has been so angry and unreasonable - but she's angry at the wrong person. Matthew explained that to her and I think she gets it now, that she unjustly evicted me because my ex is a selfish coward who doesn't care who he hurts as long as he gets to keep running away from his problems. Keep running. If you see me, you'd better run fast.

Sabrina's Paypal Moving Fund

2008-09-07T18:16:00.004-07:00

So AJ is organizing a PayPal moving expenses fund for me, which people can donate to if they feel like it. The link is here, and it's called Sabrina's Moving Fund. It's to pay for stuff like a damage deposit, set-up costs, new furniture, potential future bedbug treatments if needed, the exorbitant cell phone bill I know I will have at month end, etc. It's all being arranged through AJ, so if you have questions, call her at604 710-6576 or email her at valkyrja@gmail.com.

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?c md=_donations&business=TZ5LEY2EQY9NE&lc=CA&item_name=Sabrina%27s%20Moving%20Fund&currency_code=CAD&bn=PP%2dDonationsBF%3abtn_donateCC_LG%2e gif%3aNonHosted

Thank you to those who have already donated. Your help is very very much appreciated. *love*

I Forgot To Mention

2008-09-07T18:12:00.001-07:00

Thank you to marmot who has and is raising cash through selling off the last of Tickled Pink Toys stock for me. Wonderful, wonderful marmot who is a stalwart bastion of marmotness! She truly is the Queen of All Marmotdom. Marmot hath awesomeness.

After the Storm

2008-09-07T13:09:00.002-07:00

So things have calmed down and I am still sane.

Thursday my friends packed and cleaned frantically while I helped out a bit, but mostly acted as....a consultant. I'd say I was supervising, but truthfully, Matthew and Brian were pretty much on that. Friday at 10 AM Baked Bed Bugs came over and we got most of my stuff into their truck to get treated. Then my crew removed the stuff, loaded it into a cube van and took it to Matt and AJ's in PoCo. I took myself over to Brian and Jenn's place with donnaidh_sidhe where we spent the weekend decompressing and chilling.

During the process on Friday, my landlady decided to come by and yell at all of us, but Matthew dealt with her beautifully and got her to calm down and let us do our job.

Matthew and AJ are storing my stuff until I find a place. I'll be in rehab for a while, and if they boot me out before I have a place, I have somewhere to stay until then. I may be broke and homeless, but I'll be OK thanks to my friends. My friends have been amazing through this whole ordeal. I may have had two people making my life hell, but I've had at least 25 people making my life better this week. I may be poor in money, but I'm extremely wealthy in friends, and that's far more important.

Let me make like the Academy Awards and send out thanks. Thank you to Brian and Jenn and donnaidh_sidhe who immediately offered support, financial help, and organized help for me. They're also helped put me back together body and soul this weekend.

Thank you to Matt and AJ who have also been central in organizing help, offering money and support, and storing my stuff for me. Thank you for making it so that I mostly have to 'not worry my pretty little head about stuff and focus on getting well.'

Thank you to Doug who offered support and money.

Thank you Emily and Shyann for offering your place for me to crash at after rehab.

Thank you to Phillip, Peter, Sam, Kai, Brian, Jenn, donnaidh_sidhe, Matt, AJ, Alex, Keith, marmot, Sharon, Dasha, Tristan, Andy, and the other Brian for packing, moving and helping in a zillion other little ways. If I've missed you, please let me know and I will apologize profusely and extol your wonders in a whole separate post!

I love you all.

Some Costs Are Too High

2008-09-05T19:26:00.004-07:00

Once upon a time, I would have said my relationship with Coyotestone was priceless and beyond mere monetary value. Well, today the damages come to:

-half a month's rent
-$450 for a damage deposit
-$500 my friends are paying for bedbug treatment
-whatever Matthew paid for the cube van

Once upon a time, I would have said he was worth it, but not now. I become ever more grateful he's out of my life for good. He's cost me far too much, and the highest price I've paid has been emotional. Epithets like 'rot in hell' and 'go fuck yourself' continually come to mind.

Let him lie in the filthy bed he has made for himself. Let him lie in it alone, knowing that he's alienated his chosen family and a whole community of supportive people. Let him go back to his street friends who'll use and abuse him, and then turn him out. After all, it's what he's tried to do to me. Go fuck yourself, Coyotestone.

Screw That, I'm Gonna Fight The Bitch

2008-09-04T21:15:00.002-07:00

She's not getting away with taking my $530 AND my damage deposit when there are no damages. I'm taking her to arbitration. When the judge hears that she illegally evicted a cripple who was in the hospital at the time, and then took all her money, I think her ass is toast. This will be one time to play up the tragic cripple angle. Fuck it. I AM the tragic cripple right now, being fucked over by bad friends and bad landlords who are hitting me when I'm vulnerable. I'm not gonna take it all lying down.

Coyotestone and my landlady can both go to hell.

Just Tattoo "BITCH" On My Forehead, Because Apparently My Job Is To Bend Over and Take It

2008-09-04T15:33:00.001-07:00

First Coyotestone fucks my by moving out while I'm in rehab, then reneging on the rent and getting me evicted.

Today my landlady calls and tells me she cashed my half of the rent cheque, even though the other day she said she wouldn't charge me. When I asked her why she was charging me rent when I'm not going to live there past Friday, she said that she's taking it to pay for damages and bedbug removal. WTF? It's HER responsibility to cover bedbug removal, and there are no damages. That's $530 down the drain. I was gonna use it to treat my stuff, but now my friends have to do that, and I'm out $530.

I'm everybody's whore this week, aren't I? Would anyone else like to fuck me? Anyone else wanna go at me? I'm weak and defenseless here, I'm prime rape material. Go on, fuck me over, you know you want to. I won't even put up a fuss. I'm too weak and broken down. I'm like, whatever, just make it all go away. I don't know if I'm going to fight her over that $530, Obviously, I need it, but I don't need a raging court battle in my life. I want to just move on and leave it all behind. Maybe I'll curse her on the way out and call it square.

Message from AJ, My Moving Coordinator and Hero

2008-09-03T22:46:00.002-07:00

here will be someone at Sabrina's to let anyone in who can come from about 10.30am onwards tomorrow to pack Sabrina's things. (Thurs Sep 4). If you can't come 'til after work, that's perfectly fine - we'll be staying 'til everything's ready to go.

If you can come Friday, that would also be wonderful - the pest control company is coming at 10am to kill the bugs, and after they're done we need to get it to my house. So far, we have an SUV and a car - this means many trips. If there's anyone else with cars, that would be wonderful. (*note* we're probably renting a truck too)

If you need information, please give me (AJ) a call at: 604 710 6576.

**note**Aj rawks, and Matt, Brian, Jenn, Vicki, Gavin, Kelly, and others my addled brain is forgetting momentarily...oh, and marmot. Wonderful marmot.

My Mass Email Begging for Help. HELP!!!!

2008-09-03T22:45:00.002-07:00

Hi everybody.

As you all probably know, my roommate decided to move out while I was/am in rehab for an ankle replacement. He moved out at the end of August. Realizing how hard it would be for me to find a place from rehab, a few weeks after major surgery, he agreed to pay rent for September to give me more time to find a place and stay in rehab. Well, the day before rent was due he bailed. I told my landlady the situation, and told her I could get the other half of rent from friend's, but she flipped. She wants me out ASAP. I could contest the eviction and keep my stuff there longer, but it's not worth it. I'm tired. I'm tired of dealing with her, with the two flights of stairs, with the bedbug infestation in my building, and the bad memories the building has for me. I want out.

So here's the plan. Several of us are going to my place tomorrow starting at 10:30 AM. I will be there myself after supper tomorrow. We will all be working tirelessly to get all my stuff packed up. If you can come over to help pack, that'd be great. If all you can do is drop off some boxes or packing materials, that'd be great too. We really need boxes.

Friday at 10 am a pest control company is coming over to treat my stuff for bedbugs. Basically, I need a crew to load my things into their cube van, and then they'll use thermal heat machines to bake the stuff to 140 F for 3 hours, killing all bugs, larvae and eggs. No more bugs, period. It's far more effective than spraying and almost always 100% effective. After the treatment, we take the stuff out, load it into vehicles, and move it to Matt and AJ's place in PoCo. If you can show up to help move stuff, with or without a vehicle, it'd be much appreciated.

A note of warning: since I do have the infestation, take precautions. DO NOT bring purses, bags, backpacks, or anything a bedbug can crawl into in my apartment. If you do, put it in the freezer immediately and don't let it touch anything - the floor, walls, whatever. Wear easy to wash clothes and easy to wash shoes - crocs are ideal. Once you get home, strip immediately and put your clothes and shoes through the washer and dryer, if you can. If you can't, put it in the freezer for two weeks minimum, as in the case of shoes. If you can't get your stuff to the laundry right away, bag it up tightly in two garbage bags. After you launder it, discard the plastic bags by putting it in another plastic bag, tie it tightly, and put it in a dumpster. You can also put your garbage bag of clothes in the freezer until laundry day. I do NOT want anyone helping me to bring home any bugs. Fortunately, if you take precautions, it's highly unlikely. I've had these bastards for months and haven't passed them on to anybody because I've been too damned careful.

If you can help me out, I'd be immensely appreciative. You can email me or call my cell 604 417-1033. You can also call Aj at 604 710 6576, as she and Matt are coordinating all of this for me. I am soo grateful to have such good friends right now, or I would be absolutely fucked.

Thanks for listening. Take care.

Sabrina

EMERGENCY EVICTION - NEED HELP!!!!

2008-09-03T17:53:00.002-07:00

So it did come to pass that Coyotestone's actions have gotten me evicted.

My landlady called today wanting to know why the cheque for rent only contained half of it. I explained how Coyotestone had bailed, and told her that friends were helping me out with the money and I could get it to her, but she flipped. She said she wants me out ASAP. She blames me for the bedbug infestation which was HER responsibility to treat, and I guess this was the last straw for her. Whatever. I could contest it, and stay out the month or even half, but it's just not worth it to me. I want away from that place, away from my landlady, away from the bugs, away from the bad memories. It can burn to the ground for all I care.

I have friends willing to store my things, and I have a pest control company coming over to treat my stuff on Friday. It's a thermal heating process which should be 100% effective and works far better than spraying. Anyway, here's what I need. I need volunteers to come help pack up my stuff tomorrow. I need volunteers, with or without vehicles, who can help me load my stuff onto the bedbug treatment van, and then into other vehicles to move it to the new storage place. I also need boxes. Lots and lots of boxes or other things I can pack stuff in. If anyone can help out at all, I'd vastly vastly appreciate it. This whole situation is such a fucking nightmare.

I thought I'd be staying here at rehab until the end of the month, but it looks like they might kick me out earlier because I'm doing too well. So I may need people to crash with in the near future as well. Wow. Being homeless sucks. Thanks, Coyotestone . You did to me what I refused to do to you. How does it feel, being the one to make someone else homeless?

Some anonymous dude pointed out on my blog that 'if I hadn't flamed Coyotestone, he wouldn't have withdrawn what was a kind gesture in the first place." Well, first of all, I didn't flame him, just pointed out how his inconsiderate actions were affecting me. Believe me, I restrained myself from saying what I really thought of his actions, because I didn't feel the need to publicly ruin his reputation. He's doing that himself anyway. But even if I had flamed him, reneging on a promise that left me homeless is cruel and contemptible, and as someone who has been homeless in the past, you'd think he would have more compassion and empathy. There was no excuse or rationalization for what he did. NONE.

He can rot in his justifications.

I'm Fucked

2008-08-31T16:17:00.000-07:00

Mo pulled out of paying half of this month's rent, giving me one day's notice.

What the fuck am I going to do?

What Doesn't Kill Me Makes Me Want To Kick My Ex-Roommate

2008-08-29T21:20:00.005-07:00

All right, I'm changing my former roommate and partner's name to Coyotestone here, because he requested it. So from henceforth, you know who I'm referring to when I say Coyotestone.

I'm so angry at him right now I could shake him. The last month has been incredibly stressful for me, and I fear the accumulated stress is going to make me break. When I came to rehab, I was looking forward to having a relaxing recovery. I was going to treat it as a bit of a vacation. Sure, I'd be working hard at physiotherapy and recuperation, but for once in my life I could relax and have all the support I needed around me. I planned to do lots of art work at the art studio, play my guitar, hang with the patients, and just chill out in between appointments. My life is such a struggle because I'm forced to be independent, doing things for myself that the government should be paying a home support worker to do. For the first time in a long time, I was going to let myself be taken care of and relax.

Thanks to Coyotestone's actions, that is no longer an option for me. Instead, all I do is work, work, work. When I'm not in physiotherapy, occupational therapy, seeing the social worker, or doing regular stuff like eating and showering, I'm working at finding a place to live. I was going to do that anyway, true, because the two of us were going to look for a new place together originally, before he decided to move out and break up with me. But had that scenario played out, I would have had lots of time to find a place, fill out applications, and wait for a good place to open up. Now I'm under an incredible time crunch. I have to find a place by October 1st. Every spare minute I have is put into filling out applications, calling places, doing research, and emailing prospects. Between my appointments and apartment hunting, I don't have enough time or energy to do it all. By the time I'm done with all my medical appointments, I'm wiped out and want to go nap, but I can't, because I have to look for a place to live. If I do take a nap, I lose valuable hours of time to call places. Today I fell asleep and cried when I woke up because I missed out on a whole afternoon of phone calling, but I was just so damned tired. There aren't enough hours in the day to do it all, and my fucking fibromyalgia keeps me from doing it all.

I shouldn't have to do this. There was no reason he couldn't have stayed longer. Our relationship was on a break, and he had the place to himself while I was in rehab. The only reason he left when he did was this: if he'd waited, he would have had to face me, and he just didn't want to do that. Thanks to his lack of consideration, I've been under an incredible weight of stress, grief, and fatigue for the last month. Being in the middle of an anti-depressant switch doesn't help matters any.

He did agree to pay rent for an extra month to give me a bit more time, and thank the gods he did, or I would be homeless right now. It's incredibly difficult to find a place to live when you're in rehab getting used to a new ankle. It's hard to find the time and energy to research places, and it's tough to get out into the community to look at places. Added to that, I need a wheelchair accessible place, which isn't easy to find. It was all very well for him to give a month's notice, being able-bodied and having no special requirements for housing. To do this to me three weeks after an ankle replacement was basically kicking me when I was down. I won't forget it.

I debated whether or not to post this, because I don't like to bash my exes in the public forum, but it's festering inside of me, and I need to get the poison out. A big part of me hopes he sees this and knows what he did to me. He may have taken steps to make his own life better, but he screwed me over in the process. There was no reason he couldn't have tried to find a way to move out and move on that didn't work well for both of us.

At least there are some good things that have come of this. I've finally been able to see that he's not right for me. Anyone who could do this to me is clearly not someone I should be with. I'll be much better off without him.

On the up side, I have been talking to four people from the kink community about renting a house together. If it works out, I think I'll be quite happy. Coordinating it is VERY hard though. Getting everyone together for a meeting is like herding fucking cats. That's my Plan A. Plan B is filling out coop applications and such in case Plan A falls through. Plan C is talking to Transition Services here about Emergency Housing, but I'm discovering that Vancouver's emergency housing options are pretty much nonexistent.

I'm also trying to get home care set up, and I think I have a real battle on my hands. I brought it up in my team meeting with my medical team and they weren't very supportive. They seemed to think I didn't qualify because I'm not disabled enough. Fuck that. I have two chronic pain disorders! I'm going to call the different care providers and see what their criteria are, and see if I meet them. If I don't, I will lie. BC's government doesn't give a damn about it's disabled, poor, homeless and elderly and it makes me sick.

Think of Me

2008-08-27T21:55:00.001-07:00

Tuesday I experienced something I haven't experienced in a long time - well, I can't remember what it felt like the last time I did it, because it was so long ago. I was in the pool here at rehab, and I was walking flat-footed, without pain. Without. Pain. I don't think that's happened since I was a small child. I can't describe how incredible it feels to walk heel-to-toe without massive pain and bone creaking and swelling. I can't wait to get in the pool tomorrow and do it again.

Next week I get to start demo-testing wheelchairs, because the Ministry is going to finally buy me a wheelchair for use in the community. Brian and Jenn are hosting me next weekend, so I'll probably get to bring it to their place, and maybe we can go out in it. Yay!

Tonight at karaoke I sang Think of Me from Phantom of the Opera and made someone cry. The whole room didn't even clap. They just stared at me in astonishment. I hope the Vancouver Adapted Music Society can find a volunteer to teach me opera, because I think I have some serious potential if I can do that to a roomful of people. I've discovered that singing opera is really quite simple. Take a deep breath, gather up all the passion and emotion in your soul, and let it all go. Did I say simple? Ok, it's actually quite hard to do that, to let go that intensely. It takes a lot of courage, and you have to make yourself very vulnerable.

It's nice to be able to post again. I wasn't posting because the fibromyalgia was making me so damned tired and apathetic. It's nice to have energy and passion again.

Sorrow

2008-08-25T18:06:00.007-07:00

I just realized I never posted about what happened with Coyotestone. He decided to move out and end our relationship. I'm pretty devastated, but it's for the best. I've realized he's not for me. I still grieve for him, though, because I've never loved anyone more than I loved him, never thought myself capable of that kind of love. I guess that's the blessing, that I was able to experience that kind of love for another person. I'll never stop loving him, I know, but I'm moving on with my life, as he is.

I love you, Coyotestone. Be happy.

Loss and Partings

2008-08-25T18:06:00.006-07:00

Man, this is a hard week. I'm still grieving over losing Coyotestone. This week Allan is going to Greece, and Doug is moving up north to go to school. I won't see them both for many months. All the people I liked best in rehab have left or are leaving. I'm feeling very lonely right now. It's a good thing the ankle is doing so well. I think I need to get out more in the evenings. Maybe take walks, go out into the grove, meet people for coffee, whatever. Maybe even go to kink events.

I just wish I had a place to live. If I could just find a place to live I could just chill and recuperate and relax, but having that hanging over my head is making me have to cut back on having fun, and cutting back on recreation makes my mental health go down. *sigh* I'm scheduling as much fun time as I can though. If I had no fun at all and all I did was health stuff and apartment hunting I'd go insane. I'm going to Doug's going-away luau tonight and karaoke tomorrow. Then there's karaoke and surrey_sucks visiting Wednesday.

On the bright side, I'm talking to four potential people about moving in with them and they're all kinky. If this works, I'll have a nice kinky household of cool people. I'm still filling out solo applications for coops and such, just in case, but I totally want that to happen. I'm an extrovert who needs people in her home space. I wilt alone.

We're working on getting me a power chair and possibly some home care for when I leave. My quality of life is going to be so much better than before. I'm grieving now, but I know things are getting better for me. I just have to get through this period of sadness and stress. I'll make it.

Healing Well

2008-08-02T11:45:00.000-07:00

I am doing very well in rehab. It's week three and I am standing on my foot, and walking flat-footed using the walker. Next week I start walking used heel-to-toe motions using a walker. My ankle is healing very nicely. I can't wait to start swimming again. My mom visited me for two weeks from Newfoundland and kept me company. It was really great having the constant presence of someone else there. I was pretty emotional after the surgery and needed that. I generally tend to be that way after joint replacements. Having Mom here this time and ScratchDaddy last time really helped. Sadly, she left yesterday. :(

I'm killing time in here by reading, looking for a new place to live, visiting the art studio, chatting with other patients, and resting. Resting is so important. I'm in a lot of upper body pain right now from overdoing it and not resting enough. The next time I'm tempted to overdo it I'll look back to now and remember how it feels. Not good!

They have karaoke here on Wednesday nights and it's so much fun to have one of my favorite hobbies in rehab. If you want to visit me, you can come anytime, but come on Wednesdays and you can sing with me! The weekends are a good time to visit too because most people here go home and the recreation therapists aren't always here, so it's boooring. I'm on the 4th floor, room 429, in the GF Strong Centre.

I must go now. The Fibromyalgia in my arms and shoulders is acting up from typing. My next step after healing the ankle is to get that under control.

Dreams of Despair and Hope

2008-07-06T08:32:00.002-07:00

Last night I had an interesting metaphorical dream. In the dream, I was riding a medical scooter along a rock path in the sky barely wide enough to contain it. The path wound up, up, up. I pressed down on the throttle, giving it all I could and rode up, only to hit...a dead end. So I rode the scooter in reverse, back down the way I went, down, down, down, all the way down....to hit a dead end. Everywhere I rode I hit dead ends, and I couldn't drive off sideways because I was in the sky!

They say dreams about vehicles represent the body, or your way of moving through life. The fact that I was riding a medical scooter makes it crystal clear we're talking about my disability. And all the dead ends? Well, I thought I was cheering up about the fibromyalgia diagnosis, but I guess not. The dream indicates a kind of despair, a feeling that no matter what I do it will all end in insurmountable walls.

Ooh, but wait. In the dream, I remember desperately praying to get off the 'rocky road.' At first it seemed hopeless but eventually the scooter faded from beneath me. I started to get scared, but kept praying, and soon the path faded away and I found myself on solid ground again, feet touching the Earth, and I heard the voice of my former spiritual teacher talking to me. Looks like her dream body paid me a visit last night. Thanks, Angelique!

I guess the point of the dream was to have faith in my spirituality to sustain me. I oftentimes get so down and out from pain that I become depressed and agnostic and nihilistic. That doesn't work for me. I need to keep in touch with my spiritual self to stay strong. I must remember that as I prepare for my ankle surgery this week.

Wish me luck!

Down in the Dumps

2008-06-29T00:44:00.002-07:00

I am having a really rough time right now. My depression has been acting up over the past six months or so, and it's been getting really bad over the last month. I'm now at the point where life doesn't feel worth living, even though I'm not suicidal, so I obviously have to get my anti-depressants switched. Also, I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Yep, now I have TWO major chronic pain disorders, although truthfully, they're kind of the same thing. They're both inflammation and pain, one in the joints, and one in the muscle tissues. I suppose if you add on the migraines, that makes three. Throw in major digestive issues lately and that makes four! Four pain disorders! It's no wonder I feel like life sucks. It kind of does.

My rheumatologist diagnosed me with fibromyalgia this week and told me to go see my GP and get on new anti-depressants. Apparently that's the standard treatment for fibromyalgia. She says that once I'm on new meds I'll be less depressed, will have more energy, and less pain. It's actually hurting to type this right now, which means it's gotten quite bad. I'm now wondering if my migraines and gastrointestinal symtoms aren't linked to the fibro. The research I've been doing suggests they may be. I went to see a GI specialist last week and he agrees that there's something odd going on in my guts. I won't go into details, but things sure do hurt down there. I've discovered I'm intolerant to milk, and I'm getting tested for celiac disease. I'm not looking forward to the idea of having a restricted diet. Still, since almost everything I eat makes my insides hurt, it might not be a bad idea. I actually spent three days in bed after my birthday party from the ice cream, alcohol, sugar, and bread I consumed. Not Normal.

I hate being this down. I don't know how I got through my teens without killing myself, because I was always this down in my teens. Life seems meh, I hate being single, I miss my exes, I don't have the energy to go out and do fun stuff, the fun stuff I used to enjoy seems flat and dull, I have no energy, and no self-esteem right now. Having no energy means I don't do much, which makes me feel useless, which further contributes to having low self-esteem. I know logically that I don't really suck, that I'm just sick, but I can't feel it. I feel bad for blowing people off, not being extroverted or interesting, for not returning phone calls or emails, for basically dissappearing. Oh well, maybe I'll just send them this post. Having a disability blog is good for that. Friends know when I'm too sick to be functional, so they don't expect me to be, and cut me the slack I need.

I am SO not functional right now.

Blatant Sympathy Whoring

2008-06-10T15:17:00.001-07:00

I hurt. I've had three days of mind-snapping pain and I'm sick of it. I've been doping myself on codeine, morphine and hash and am completely out of it most of the time. Blah. I need to rest and take it easy for a few days. Brian and Jenn are gonna come over and help me clean, as my place is a pigsty from a week of illness and I just can't do it myself right now. I hate being like this. It makes me feel pretty damned useless and unproductive. I can't do anything except get stoned and wait for the pain to dim. Not a fun cycle of life.

I need more help than I get, though I appreciate what my friends do for me. I need a home support worker. I hope talking to my rheumatology will help me get one.

I think I'm going to stop taking aquafit classes and range of motion classes at the pool and just focus on swimming lessons. For some reason, swimming leaves me in MUCH less pain. The aquafit program is just too advanced for someone in my sad state of fitness. I need something akin to underwater yoga, something sloooow and relaxed. Maybe I can learn some pool noodle exercises to do with Deej.

OW. Virtual sympathy cuddles would be much appreciated. To hell with people who think that whoring for sympathy is a bad thing. If you can't do it when you're on morphine for pain, when the hell can you?

Mermaid Zephyr

2008-06-05T23:26:00.003-07:00

Brain tired. Brain shut down from swimming. Zephyr had sugar crash from swimming until Coyotestoneshoved a bagel in her mouth, quite literally. He says that bagels could possibly be the answers to all the world's problems, and I agree. It brought me level enough to make a sammich and eat some corn. Now I am posting but don't expect a smart post. Brain tired. Me use small words.

I did 5 laps of the flutterkick tonight. I did a bit of the backstroke and breaststroke in there too, but did mostly the flutterkick. The lifeguard introduced me to a nifty device called a flotation belt, so I actually managed to swim on my front without drowning. My limited neck mobility usually drags me under in seconds.

5 laps! And I have to get up and do this at 9:30 AM again tomorrow. I must be a masochist...oh wait, I am.

Actually, I like swimming. It's an exercise that doesn't strain the joints or muscles, doesn't aggravate my high blood pressure or migraines, and doesn't make me overheat (I'm heat intolerant). I did get a bit woozy from temperature changes going from the hot tub to the pool. Must monitor that more carefully next time and go slower. I always feel refreshed after swimming, and when I'm tired, I feel like I've earned it.

Schteff

2008-06-04T17:50:00.002-07:00

Today I went lengths swimming at the Britannia Centre. It was adventurous, swimming with no instructor. People kept splashing water in my face and bumping into me. It's a good thing I don't panic and know a few tactics to stay level in water. School of hard knocks. I am tired, but it's a good tired. It's the kind of tired you earn. I'm also very alert, paradoxically.

It was nice to finally swim again. I had a four-day stomach virus and was bed-ridden the whole time. No. Fun. It started on my birthday. I would have stayed in bed if my friends hadn't planned a party for me and Irene. It was an awesome party, with cake and strip Twister and spankings and such. I has a new giganic stuffed pink guardian bunny for rehab. I think I might name him Pinkerton. Too obvious?

Coyotestoneand I are good. We're keeping the lines of communication open and talking about stuff. FYI, I took down my last post about him because although it was just venting, I felt it wasn't entirely fair to him. Venting usually IS only fair to one party. The things I felt at the time weren't all necessarily true. Truth is, we were both bending over backwards to meet each others' needs, and the stress got to us. The break will be good, for both of us, even though I miss kissing him. I think I shall give him an alias in future too.

This is What I Want In a Relationship

2008-05-30T15:33:00.003-07:00

This kind of passion is what I want and need.

This song also feels highly relavant right now.

We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk it the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always come with getting burned

But you got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They're so hell bent on giving, walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

Chorus:
Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly hiher and higher
I can't abide standing outside the fire

Not just a Priestess, but a High Priestess

2008-04-22T02:01:00.001-07:00

Tonight I was initiated as a 2nd degree Wiccan High Priestess. :D I can now lead covens in ritual and practise, and intitiate others and form covens with the approval of a 3rd degree initiate of my tradition. I am part of a coven right now, not the same one I was in last year although my High Priest is still Sam Wagar. Mo is also part of my coven, which kicks ass. He and I work very well together magically. I can't speak of the actual details of the initiation, as they are private, but I can speak of generalities here. I found the energy shift very interesting, in that it was subtle as opposed to dramatic. For other witches, their initiations are big phenomenol events, but for me, both initiations felt very natural and gentle. In both cases, instead of feeling a big boom of energy making big changes, I felt like the new energies enhanced what was already there, and blended harmoniously with my energy. After each initiation, I did feel more grounded, confident and powerful, but in a very natural way. Almost in a nonchalant way, like "Oh, I'm a High Priesstess now, cool, that makes sense." I take that as a good sign.

I am also embarking upon being trained as clergy for the Congregationalist Wiccan Association (CWA). This weekend I will be going to Nanaimo to meet some of the other clergypeople, and will soon be getting started on the reading list and training. I will be High Priestess for the Vancouver-Burnaby temple with Sam, and if he moves away for school, I will take over being the main clergyperson. I will be able to perform Pagan weddings! How cool is that? In fact, I might wind up marrying my boyfriend Brian and his fiancee Jenn, and my ex-girlfriend and her partner. My life is strange and wonderful.

Blessed Be.

Ooh la la, Monsieur!

2008-04-06T02:26:00.004-07:00

I make such a pathetic girl sometimes.

I never wear a bra, so I have trouble taking them off other women occasionally. Tonight I went to a dungeon party dressed as a French maid, with stockings and a garter belt underneath. I had to be helped both into and out of my garter belt because I'm too inept to put it on myself. Allan graciously helped me get it on before the party, and Coyotestone got me out of it afterwards. Clearly I need to practise a bit more.

On the other hand, I did get touched by two men tonight, so maybe it's just a lucky garter belt. :D I had a lot of fun at the party, dusting off dirty boys.

In other news, Coyotestone had a man cold, and now he has strep throat. :( I've been dosing myself silly on Vitamin C and giving him the "poor little bunny" treatment all week. In a weird way, I'm enjoying his illness because for once, someone else is sick and I get to take care of them. I've been feeding him soup and tea and fussing over him all week. He's a very pleasant patient. Wait until I get a man cold. Despite my having been chronically ill for over 2 decades, I still turn into a huge baby when I get colds and flus. I'll want the "poor little bunny" treatment every 10 minutes!

Coyotestone says that no matter what I do in the kitchen, it's sexy as hell when I'm wearing a French maid outfit. I'll have to cook him dinner in it sometime. :P

Relationship LOLZ

2008-04-04T21:24:00.002-07:00

Here is a chat I had on MSN with a pal about my relationship with Coyotestone.

sabrina says:
Coyotestone just took our relationship up a notch

D says:
Oh?

sabrina says:
He shared his hamentashen with me

D says:
*blank stare*

sabrina says:
LOL it's a Jewish pastry you only get once a year at Purim

D says:
I know basically nothing about Judaism.

sabrina says:
Coyotestone loves his hamentashen - he made sure I knew that I was a very special person to be warranting a piece of hamentashen.

sabrina says:
He wouldn't give just ANYBODY a piece of hamentashen.

D says: :)

sabrina says:
Other girls get jewelry, I get pastry.

sabrina says:
he even let me scarf down half of his box of chcolate-covered matzah after i got high

sabrina says:
this is big for Coyotestone - you remember how covetous he was of his birthday muffins

D says:
Yes.

sabrina says:
willingness to share pastries signifies a deeper commitment

Sigh

2008-03-23T16:07:00.003-07:00

A friend of mine, who is a care worker for two PWDs, just made this comment in her blog.

Honking to express yourself does not make me respect you (even if it's not at me), instead I think you should be on the special bus licking the window because you're obviously emotionally retarded. Stop it.

*sigh* I tried to point out (nicely) that it was not appropriate to mock people with developmental disabilities, no matter how frustrated you are at bad drivers. I hope I got my point across without causing a conflict. I find it DOES help when statements like that come from me, a Person with Disabilities. It tends to make people go "D'oh, sorry!"

Gotta stay ever vigilant.

Meanwhile, go read about how the disabled Jesus saved the world at Screw Bronze!

Highly Distractable

2008-03-22T08:26:00.002-07:00

I often wonder why I can't seem to get anything done. Then it look at my To-Do List and it has 31 items on it. That's in addition to regular shit, like eat, shower, study, work, do dishes, etc.

I think I don't get anything done because I'm trying to do too much. I always try to do it all at once too. I'm not good at doing things in sequence either. Take this blog post. I meant to start it like, an hour ago, but got distracted by several things, some of which were on the To-Do List, and some which weren't. Sometimes I get so hyperfocused on making my To-Do lists that I don't get around to doing anything on them. I actually misplaced a migraine pill just now because I briefly put it down to move something, and forgot where I put it.

Do you see why I've self-diagnosed myself as having ADD? And no, I haven't managed to get tested yet. Why not? For God's sake, I can't even organize long enough to take a migraine pill. Getting tested for ADD is MUCH bigger than that.

It could be worse. I have a friend with ADHD who once spent a whole afternoon looking for her purple bendy straw, and didn't notice that FOUR hours had passed. I ain't that bad yet.

Profoundly Disgusted

2008-02-28T19:08:00.000-08:00

http://www.nationalpost.com/opinion/story.html?id=339209

Robert Latimer, the Saskatchewan farmer who killed his disabled daughter, is to be released on day parole. The decision comes from the appeal division of the National Parole Board and is a direct reversal of the regional board's ruling of late last year. Latimer was convicted in 1993 of killing his daughter Tracy, who suffered from cerebral palsy. Although he argued that his act was a "mercy killing," he was convicted of murder and began his sentence in 2001.
One of the central reasons why Latimer's parole was originally declined in December, 2007, was because he refused to acknowledge that he did anything wrong. He killed his daughter, he argued, out of love. He was putting the girl out of her misery. Perhaps a more candid explanation was that he was putting her out of his.
Tracy Latimer was profoundly ill. But she attended school and, according to the crown presentation during her father's trial, "enjoyed outings, one of which was to the circus, where she smiled when the horses went by. She also responded to visits by her family, smiling and looking happy to see them. The pain she suffered was not unremitting, and her life had value and quality."

Right. It's not murder when the victim is disabled, even if she doesn't want to die. Us disabled people should just be put out of our misery, right? Or, as the article says, we should be put out of other people's misery, because that's what it boils down to.

Fuckers.

I'm Spoiled

2008-02-15T02:49:00.002-08:00

Today I realized that I can be such an insufferable brat.

I was whining about being forced to celebrate Valentine's Day with my three partners and friends when I realized that most people would love to celebrate VD (lol, fun acronym) with just one partner.

How terrible, being asked to celebrate my relationships with three wonderful people.

Still, I think the concept of Valentine's Day *is* silly and commercialized. But, there are worse things, I suppose.

Melting Here

2008-02-04T12:59:00.002-08:00

Last night I was feeling really low down, so I asked Coyotestone to tell me I'm pretty to cheer me up. He blinked and said "Well, of course you are!"

Then he looked up at the sky and said "The sun is asking me if it still shines" with a baffled expression on his face.

And he says he knows very little about women. The man really knows how to deliver a compliment, eh?

I'm Stupidly In Love...

2008-01-29T10:18:00.001-08:00

...and it's making me quite useless and pathetic. I find myself attempting to do things, only to discover that I've been staring off into space, thinking about Coyotestone for the last ten minutes. Isn't that disgusting? I'm like the overly romantic movie character you want to smack.

And yet, I'm so damned happy I can't be too mad at myself. And I can't blame myself too much for being a little overwhelmed and having my wits bedazzled. I mean, falling out of love and having a partner move out, and then having a new partner move in and falling in love with him in the space of a few months? It's bound to befuddle one's wits somewhat. It's a lot to take in in just a few short months.

I normally take more time off in between relationships, but I felt I'd waited long enough to be with Coyotestone. I had feelings for him while I was still dating Colin, but our relationship structure didn't allow for a relationship with Coyotestone. On top of that, Coyotestonewas there for me as a friend after the breakup, and that meant a lot to me. I decided I'd waited long enough and made my feelings known, and was happy to discover they were returned.

Things having been moving so FAST, and that's the overwhelming, scary part. The even scarier part is that I don't want them to slow down. I just pray to have the courage and strength needed to keep up. After a month or so of active dating, I'm already emotionally where I was after a year of dating scratchdaddy. That's bloody FAST! No wonder my head is spinning and I'm reeling like a top. This is the kind of love that the poets dream of...and I'm frightened to death of it. When we touch, and stare into each other's eyes, the energy is rawly honest and real, with no barriers or walls, and the intensity can be more than a little scary. We could never roleplay or do games with each other. Our connection would never allow for that, because it allows for nothing less than 100% truth and honesty. Scary shit, eh?

I was telling a friend at SinCity about how stupid and unfocused I am lately and she was envious. I'm like, "You want to be so stupid you can't work because you're sitting around being a romantic idiot?" I've never been like this before! I had no idea people were really like this outside of the movies. I had no idea love could make you so damned stupid. Gawd, it's interesting, but I hope my brain comes back soon. I miss it!

So please, forgive me if I'm dumb or spacey around you. It's the oxytocin. And if you find my brain, can you hand it back to me? I think it ran away with my heart.

Woe Is Me

2008-01-22T16:19:00.000-08:00

Life has been good, but it's piling up around me, and I can't keep up. I screwed up my meds, and my mental health is off right now, which makes it even worse. Here is a list of the things I want to bitch about today.

I flunked my last course, and now my progress in school has been delayed. I also discovered that I have only been approved for one certificate, not two as I had hoped. This may actually be a good thing, as I may not have the patience for two anyway. I prefer training to be a short-term thing, really.
I can't seem to get my apartment clean. It is REALLY messy, and I can't find anything.
I can't focus on much of anything these days. I get obsessive about one thing, and hyperfocus on it, and everything else falls by the wayside. That's not good.
I screwed up my birth control pills yet again, and am bleeding. Since I'm on them to NOT bleed, this makes me very unhappy.
I cancelled a playdate with a cute crossdresser last night due to depression and a migraine. I also missed seeing my guy go down on two cute guys due to depression. :( You know I'm very depressed when it gets that bad. I'm the ultimate Fag Hag.
Because of screwing up my meds, I've been having migraines again. Stupid stupid stupid.
I want to get tested for ADHD, but I can't focus long enough to make the appointment. Oh, the painful irony.
I'm flaking out on my friends right, left and centre because I'm so disorganized. I'm lucky they're so patient and forgiving.
I'm in love, but I'm not sure if I can handle it. This is more intense than anything I've ever experienced, and it blows away every last defense I have, leaving me wide open and vulnerable. On top of that, we're both psychic empaths, so we feel what the other is feeling, especially when we touch. When we're both feeling good, it's a wonderful thing, but when one of us is down, it can be hell on earth.
My PTSD is acting up. Falling in love tends to do that to me. I know that it's actually a good thing, because it means my brain feels safe enough to explore the dark stuff, but dammit, why can't I just enjoy it?
Oh yeah, he has PTSD too, for the same reasons.

Bitch bitch, whine whine. I'm going to karaoke to sing out my angst.

My battle against rheumatoid arthritis and how I came to feel sexy again

2008-01-22T15:54:00.000-08:00

Kathleen Turner's struggle with RA

One night, when we were shooting, I was leaning against a wall, in complete agony. My male co-star took one look at me, scooped me up in his arms and carried me to my trailer. He helped me get out of my costume, dressed me, took me back to my hotel and carried me up to my room.
The pain was so awful that I couldn't sleep. Even though it was late autumn, I couldn't bear to have anything touch my feet - not even a sheet. Naturally, I got terribly cold.
But I wouldn't give in. For years, I worked when the RA was in full-blown active mode. When I starred in the play Indiscretions on Broadway in 1995, the big problem came in the second act, when I had to climb up a three-story metal staircase in very high heels.
During every performance, I'd climb to the top - and collapse in agony out of sight of the audience. Tears would be rolling down my face.

I remember seeing Turner on Leno once hobbling painfully towards the chairs and nodding in complete understanding. "Been there," I thought.

She was SOO fucking sexy in Serial Mom. Rowr. Psychotic MILFs? Yummy.

Profound Realization

2008-01-18T15:57:00.000-08:00

I realized something huge yesterday. I don't trust TABS.

I don't know how to feel about this. On the one hand, I have TAB friends and lovers. On the other hand, why would I trust a group of people who have discriminated against us and kept us from participating in society? Why trust a group of people who believe in "Better Dead than Disabled"?

I DO trust TABS who have non-physical disabilities, maybe not completey, but a lot more than able-bodied, able-brained people. My partners can breathe a sigh of relief, since they have psych and learning disabilities.

Not sure where to go with this. Should I work on it, or is it normal and even healthy to distrust TABS? Trusting our opppressors seems rather stupid and destructive.

I am not myself today. I might wake up tomorrow and laugh at this post. I've had a rough couple of days with my Anxiety Disorder and PTSD. I'm having a lifetime worth of memories of TAB abusers. I suppose I should remember that my ex-girlfriend wasn't TAB and still managed to be abusive.

I'm tired.

For Elizabeth McClung

2008-01-18T11:25:00.000-08:00

...and all my other disabled friends who are winners. Disability Pride!

We Are the Cham[ions - Queen

And the Rock Chick version for all us queer women - Storm Large

I'm Just a Burden

2008-01-17T18:22:00.000-08:00

That's all I've ever been, and all I ever will be. I should just tell everyone to fuck off now before they decide to leave themselves the way Colin did. The way my family did. The way several friends have. Apparently, even though I'm the one who has to live with this horrible pain, I can handle it better than people who are supposed to love me. No one who loves me can handle it. I should just go live alone and stop making friends and lovers. They'll all leave once they know how bad it can get.

I'm just a fucking BURDEN. That's all I'll ever be to anybody.

On A Happier Note...I'm In Love!

2008-01-17T14:28:00.000-08:00

Here is a post I wrote under a highly private filter in LiveJournal. However, I've decided it's time to make my news public and official. I'm falling in love with one of my best friends. :D

I'm falling in love with my roommate Mo, and for the first time ever, it feels SO *right*. I had no idea anyone could go from buddies to play partners to...this. I don't know what "this" is, but I know it's going to have a powerful impact on my life, and will leave me profoundly changed. And he loves me back!

I've never felt so high, yet so deeply grounded in love. I am awed.

Gawd, I can't stop singing heartfelt love songs. I've got it BAD. Enjoy some sappy love music.

The Word of the Day is FUCK

2008-01-17T14:03:00.000-08:00

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been up all night with a migraine, and I`m so stupid that I`m tutoring a student and he is asking me what`s wrong. I`m trying to call my company so they can get him an emergency tutor, but the phone system puts me to voicemail. I`m so sick and tired and just want to lie down. Fuck the world, I want a time-out.

Updated New Year's Meme

2008-01-16T15:56:00.001-08:00

I made some changes to my New Year 2008 meme in red font. Go view the updated meme here.

I also made a new resolution that I intend to keep.

**update** 5) Stop sacrificing things I shouldn't be sacrificing for the people I love. My New Year mantra: Only sacrifice when the partner's need is greater than mine, or when my needs are petty and selfish.

I spent the last three years doing that, and I'll be damned if I keep doing it. It's important to love my partner and strive to make hir happy, but I should come first. Self-love is essential.

To My Ex

2008-01-15T14:28:00.000-08:00

I Have No Words

2008-01-14T11:00:00.001-08:00

Don't watch this if you don't want to cry.

Hooray, Progress!

2008-01-12T08:50:00.000-08:00

Canadian airlines must end extra fees for disabled

Canada's airlines were ordered on Thursday to stop charging extra fares for the personal attendants of severely disabled passengers -- or for severely obese travelers who require more than one seat.

My New Year's Eve Adventures

2008-01-02T17:21:00.000-08:00

Go to SexAbility and read all about it in New Year's Kisses, Bites and Bruises.

New Year's Meme - Update

2007-12-27T18:49:00.000-08:00

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?

Attend school full-time, become involved in a poly quad.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don’t usually do New Years resolutions. I will make a few for next year, and the years to come though:

1) Stop letting people take advantage of my natural compassion and understanding, and instead, call people on their bullshit. That especially includes loved ones.
2)Study more frequently and on a more daily basis, but not get to the point where I have to sacrifice everything in order to study. It makes me crazy.
3) Keep standing up for myself, and my loved ones, and people who are being treated injustly.
4) Work towards becoming a 2nd degree Wiccan High Priestess. I may not have a coven anymore, but there are people in my life who need me in the role of High Priestess/Goddess Incarnate, including me.
**update** 5) Stop sacrificing things I shouldn't be sacrificing for the people I love. My New Year mantra: Only sacrifice when the partner's need is greater than mine, or when my needs are petty and selfish.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Neila and Ernie!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Percival, online friend - suicide, euthanasia. Aaron Graves, first lover - suicide. Walt Brake, my ex-boyfriend's dad - suicide. 2007 has been the Year of the Suicide.

5. What countries did you visit?

None other than Canada. :(

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

Nothing. I want to keep building on what I already have.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Mabon, September 22nd - the night my life went haywire and I lost my Daddy. **update** Also the night I began to love Mo. The Goddess smacked me on the head and said, "Not that one, THAT one!"

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Being in school full-time and working hard at it. Learning that you should never do anything antithetical to your nature for love.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Data entry work.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

11. What was the best thing someone bought you?

My mom got me a lightbox and a freezer full of poultry for Christmas. My roommate bought me a copy of Wicked last week. I bought myself a bunch of sex toys from marmot's big blowout sale.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Mine! For being so strong despite everything that happened to me this fall.

Mo's - for facing down so many personal demons and working hard to make a better life for himself.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

You know who you are, and you know what you did. Maybe eventually you'll stop making excuses for the horrible way you treated me, and apologize. And maybe pigs will fly too.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Money?? I had money?

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

School, having a new roommate, my new-found sexual freedom.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?

Breakup songs. Never Again - Kelly Clarkson. Here I Go Again On My Own - Whitesnake. Show Must Go On - Queen.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Much much happier.
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner! The breakup diet, combined with the dental diet this Christmas, which I call "the Bridget diet" (named for my anorexic ex-girlfriend). Oddly, though I keep getting thinner and my clothes are starting to fall off me, the scale doesn't register a huge change. Oh well, doesn't matter, I can fit into my leopard print jeans again.
c) richer or poorer? Richer, in money and vastly wealthy in friends and love.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Study. Play. Have sex.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Study. Cry.

20. How do you plan to spend Christmas?

I spent it being very sick passed out on a friend's couch, and visiting the Emergency room. Joy.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?

Yes, and though unrequited love is a bitch, semi-requited love may be even more frustrating. **update** It isn't semi-requited anymore!

22. How many one night stands?

Heh heh. None for me, exactly, but I got to watch a couple of gay one-night stands, which was even better! Watching hawt boy-on-boy action beats having sex myself - yes, I know, I am strange. **update** I've had like, a dozen, of these hot boy-on-boy voyeuristic threesomes now. Life is good.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

American Idol, Scrubs.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I have a lot of repressed hatred of abusers from my past coming out, to the point of killing rage. Time to go to therapy again.

25. What was the best book you read?

I'm reading Wicked right now, and it's quite good.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

That I can sing hard, and loud, and angry really well. **update** Also, that I seem to have a natural talent for opera, and that singing it blasts my heart wide open.

27. What did you want and get?

Lightbox. Freedom. **update** Mo.

28. What did you want and not get?

For things to get easier with school. They still haven't.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

I didn't watch a lot of films. SinCity was really good.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

29 and I spent it in Victoria with my sister.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Less stress. If my computer had come on time and I didn't have to get behind in school.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

I dunno. Same as always, really. Eclectic, dramatic, and very Gemini. Didn't wear skirts much.

33. What kept you sane?

My friends.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Eh. None, really.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

I'm pretty apolitical.

36. Who do you miss?

Aaron Graves. I wish I'd known he was in so much pain before he died, although I probably couldn't have helped save him. He wouldn't accept help from anybody, sadly, and he took his life. I hope he's happier now.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

Mo, Brian, and Jenn, the poly unit. My new family.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007?

Karma's a bitch, and so am I. If karma takes too long to deliver the blow, I can always kick some ass myself.

Also: As much as I'd like to make some people suffer, I must remember that having to live with themselves will do the job far more effectively than I ever could. Yes, I am angry, and bitter, and vengeful. A lifetime of being abused by people I loved will do that to me.

2007 taught me: Take No Shit, but don't be afraid to dish it when needed.

I Don't Know Why, But I Find This Hilarious...

2007-12-26T16:07:00.000-08:00

Happy Boxing Day! I am finally somewhat functional today. I have spent Christmas being very ill, recovering from dental surgery. On the 21st, I had my two lower wisdom teeth yanked under a general anesthetic. On the 22nd, my neck and jaw swelled up so much my lower features were indistinguishable. My roomie and friend bundled me into the car and took me to the emergency room, where I was seen by an incredibly hot on-call dentist. Oh. My. God.

Now I'm on antibiotics and pain pills, and having crazy side effects from the antibiotics, like nausea, GI discomfort, and uterine cramps. Hooray. I spent most of the 24th - 26th passed out on my partner's couch-bed. Not a good Christmas.

*sigh* Now I have to dig in and finish my goddamn school stuff. Merry fucking Christmas.

I Has a Roommate

2007-12-19T13:59:00.000-08:00

And he is awesome. I will write more about him when school is over. Two more days!

Fucking Kill Me Now

2007-12-18T15:55:00.000-08:00

I am in so much pain right now. I woke up with back and shoulder and arm pain, so I took an Em-tech, which is like Tylenol 3. Then I took two more. The pain got worse, so I took morphine. I was OK for a while, but now it's back again and worse! What the fuck? I didn't do anything strenuous, I've just been sitting at my desk a lot. I guess that's it, but I can't slack off now. I have to finish Intermediate HTML or I'm screwed.

I guess I take more morphine and plug through. My friend Matthew is coming over after he finishes work, and he's gonna give me a massage. Yay.

I'm so fucking tired of school right now.

Oops

2007-12-16T21:34:00.001-08:00

I have a brain that runs on several tracks at once. I like to do several things at once. I can think of several things at once. I can carry on several conversations at once. I can study, listen to music, and have an MSN conversation at the same time.

How is this a problem for me? I forget that other people don't work that way. When other people are focusing intently on their work, I come along and babble at them, assuming they can talk to me and do their work at the same time. After all, *I* can usually. Then they get mad at me and it hurts my feelings, and I get mad at myself because I should have remembered that!

It's twice as bad when this situation occurs between two people with ADD. Yes, I'm self-identifying as ADD, even though I haven't been diagnosed yet. I'm going for testing next semester and I'm pretty sure the diagnosis will be solid.

Must remember that other people don't have crazy jugglers living in their heads like me.

Ex-Ex-Gay Ministries

2007-12-16T11:56:00.000-08:00

This is so profound. For me, replace 'gay' with 'disabled' and you have everything that was said to me as a child.

"You're gay (disabled) because you're not a good enough Christian."
"You're gay (disabled) because you don't pray enough."
"You're gay (disabled) because you don't have enough faith."

Meanwhile the gays kept being gay, I kept getting sicker, and we both became depressed and suicidal. Well, some of us stood up and said. "NO more! If there's a God of love, He loves us gay and disabled too." I took it a step further and went Pagan, but I still believe that a loving God loves fags and crips too.

I'n not sure how I feel about Jesus. I mean, he was super-cool and loving and stuff, but he wasn't one for Disability Pride and accessibility access, according to Tom Shakespeare of Ouch! in his article Birth of Jesus: no reason to celebrate.

Again and again, Jesus failed to see that Social Model miracles would have made society more inclusive, rather than just correcting individual deficits. For example, was it really necessary to cleanse that leper (Matthew 8.2)? Surely it would have been more appropriate to have cleansed first century Judea of prejudice and stigma towards all those afflicted with dermatological complaints? And rather than curing the Deaf (Mark 7.31), could Jesus not have simply granted the world the gift of Sign Language? And what's wrong with a bit of demon possession anyway? The problem here, of course, lies less in the actual demons than in the failure of the demon-free population to respect and include the people who have been taken over by demons. What we need is a bit of Demon Possession Pride.

But one thing's for sure: kudos to the ministers who had the guts to stand up and say "God loves fags and dykes and bisexuals and the rest of you have to deal with it!"

I Have Finished Graphics 100

2007-12-09T04:27:00.000-08:00

My hands are cramping from a 14-hour work session, I have a hunch in my back, my nerves are frazzled, and I drank half a bottle of wine, but it is done. 3 down, 1 to go.

Ohmigod SQUEE!

2007-12-05T17:42:00.001-08:00

Quote of the Day

2007-12-05T15:51:00.001-08:00

I really like this quote. It really applies to living with a disability.

I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.
Agatha Christie
(1890-1976)

Another One of Zephyr's Sexual One-Liners

2007-12-04T17:10:00.001-08:00

At a lesbian bar, a friend and I wound up in the middle of a lesbian dirty dancing sandwich. She looked at me, baffled, and said, "How did I wind up here?"

My reply, "Good karma."

Check out what I got in my mailbox

2007-12-04T16:49:00.000-08:00

Anyone care to nominate me? :D

Nominate an Arthritis Hero

As we prepare to celebrate the 60th anniversary of The Arthritis Society in 2008, we are looking to gather stories about Arthritis Heroes in BC.

Building upon an idea from our colleagues at our Alberta Division, we are conducting a BC-wide search for heroic individuals who exemplify the progress made against arthritis and the victories that can be won.

Anyone coping with painful arthritis is a Hero so we're looking for those wonderful people who, despite their medical condition, are not only coping, but also leading lives of courage and inspiration.

We are also looking for others who may not have arthritis, but have made significant contributions in the fight against the more than 100 forms of arthritis and related diseases.

A Hero can be someone who:

approaches having arthritis in a particularly unique way - helping themselves and others as well;
provides significant contributions in some way to advance the efforts against arthritis, while not personally having arthritis;
is an inspirational messenger to others because of his/her struggle with arthritis;
or, is someone who lives life to the fullest despite his or her battle with arthritis.

If you'd like to nominate a hero, please visit our online form and submit your nomination. If you feel you qualify, we encourage you to nominate yourself.

Submissions will be reviewed and nominees may be contacted for a more in-depth interview to be featured in one of our 60th anniversary publications. No nominations will be made public without first receiving approval from the nominee.

For more information, please contact Pamela Gole at pgole@bc.arthritis.ca.

WebMistress Zephyr

2007-12-03T23:25:00.000-08:00

My brain is beyond exhausted. It has been doing some heavy lifting for the past few days. It was tough and go for a while there as to whether or not I'd pass this semester. I only managed to get 40% of my assignments in for Graphic Elements and was quite stressed.Ii need it as a prerequisite for a lot of courses for next semester. However, my disability counsellor did a lot of sweet-talking and got some deadline extensions for me. I have until Saturday to get my graphics assignments in. I got all of my Web Authoring projects in today. Sweet! You should have seen the sweet website I designed for my final project. I'm very proud of it, particularily as it is the fruit of 2 days of swearing at Photoshop.

2 courses down, 2 to go. Then I can finally have a life again.

Teh Computer

2007-11-28T23:07:00.000-08:00

I has it.

Two weeks before the end of the semester....

2007-11-27T13:03:00.000-08:00

The computer will be arriving tomorrow! Finally!

Tequila + Techno + Tittie Bars = !ZOMG!Zephyr 8D :*)

2007-11-24T03:32:00.000-08:00

Too tired to type much...been awake for 36 hours. Took a mid-study break to get blasted with some bisexual gals at a strip club, followed by bumping and grinding on the dance floor of a lesbian club, chased by dancing at a Goth/industrial club. I have a beautiful drunk girl sleeping on my couch right now, FangGirl. Oh yeah, we got the phone numbers of a couple of very hot girls at the lesbian club. Too much fun. So unbelievably tired. Up for 36 hours. Pulled an all-nighter to study, went to work and got a formal reprimand, then drank my cares away with a dozen wonderful bisexual gals. My life does have its compensations. Will write more later, must got thunk now.
.
.
.
.

Thunk.

Wine and Wit

2007-11-18T00:27:00.000-08:00

Tonight I attended a wine and cheese party. It was really very well organized. Each wine had a card next to it with the details of the wine, and on the back we were supposed to write our ratings of it. I stopped doing that six or seven wines in due to extreme tipsiness. Oops. Hey, at least I made it through the white and blush wines. Bacchus wine and ice wine are AMAZING.

Upon arrival I was greeted by a cute girl who immediately proceeded to flirt with me, maul me, and take pictures of me. My good karma is finally catching up with me.

Tonight my one-liners were SNAPPY. Too bad I can't crank them out like that when I'm sober.

Upon being greeted and hugged by the host's (ex?)-girlfriend and her getting something snagged in my hair:

Her: I'm sorry, I pulled on your hair.
Me: That's OK, I like having my hair pulled by pretty girls.

Upon being complimented on my sparkly green eyeliner by a cute boy:

"Maybe if you're nice I'll let you wear it."

Upon observing my ride home yell "Fuck you!" at the elevator taking us to the wrong floor, "I would, but you keep turning me down."

Shezam! I was really on. Possibly I'll wake up sober tomorrow and regret all those snappy remarks, but tonight I'm luxuriating in my razor-sharp wit. Testing a dozen different wines will do that to ya.

Oh well, I didn't get naked or flash anyone. I did quite well for me, really.

Computers and Cosmetics

2007-11-14T19:46:00.000-08:00

I've been using my new SAD lightbox for about a week now. So far, I *do* seem to have more energy. I've also noticed I'm getting up earlier and going to bed earlier. I'm also getting by on less sleep, and I have more energy. We'll see if the trend continues, or if I'm just having a good week.

The agency that's going to loan me a computer for school says I should have it by next week. Which means next week or the week after, really. I'm excited though - it's a 2 GB processor with Vista, 150 GBs of hard drive space, DVD and CD RW burners, and an external hard drive for back-up. I'm also getting a printer/scanner, voice-recognition software, a 17" flat screen monitor, ergonomic chair and foot rest, and clipboard for books and papers.

Gawd, I'm worn out. I've either been working, studying, socializing, running errands, or attending appointments lately. My back is full of knots. I think I should book a massage - disability insurance gives me ten alternative medical treatments a year. Tonight I'm breaking out the Hitachi for its intended purpose. Ms. Pet and I went to a department store event yesterday where we went from booth to booth getting free samples, playing games, and chatting with sales people. We even got free makeovers! I'm already really good at doing makeup, as the artist's makeup job didn't much differ from my normal paint job. However, she did show me some tricks with blush and lip liner, something I've never been so good at. I'm all about the eyes. She used nude lipstick to give me full lips, something I'd never considered before. It worked incredibly well.

Ms. Pet looked great as well, wearing more color on her face than normal. She also went a little crazy buying makeup! It was the day before payday for me, so all I bought was a sparkly green eyeliner - Lise Watier for $7! $10 off! You should see all the perfume samples we came home with! I have enough perfume to last for months now, and different ones for every day.

I got to debut my new makeup at a Vancouver Polyamory potluck last night, but unfortunately, I'd taken so many painkillers I was loopy, rambling, and a tad belligerent. I got into a bit of a heated argument that bordered on a shouting match about disability accessibility. Whoops. I guess I came across as very passionate. Better to shout about accessibility than never bring it up, right?

Why I Love Elizabeth McClung

2007-11-12T14:25:00.000-08:00

From Elizabeth of Screw Bronze I offer this gem which made me go "Bwahahahahahaha!":

Do I think I have offended God? Well, the thought crossed my mind but the real reason I stay away from Christians is that I honestly think God likes me; that I’m sort of a favorite. I mean, if the bible is your anecdotal evidence, painful, unexplainable conditions, which slowly waste away a person’s strength, dignity and hope are how you tell God has taken a personal interest in you.

I'll have to quote that one at my Pentecostal, Bible-thumping mother sometime.

Back on the Job

2007-11-08T16:12:00.000-08:00

I've been off work for the last two weeks. There were apparently massive problems with data accuracy, so the supervisors had to go over a buttload of files and do some quality control. Originally, they intended to find out who was making the worst mistakes and fire them. Eep! I didn't think it was me, but I was a bit nervous.

We were all called in for a meeting today. Maria, our supervisor, didn't tell us who made the worse mistakes, but she did say that the girls are doing well, and the boys are doing not so well. That's good news for me! Not so good for the boys. :( She explained to us the things we'd been doing wrong, and some new things she wanted us to do. Every week the supes will do Quality Control and see what mistakes are being made. Here's the nerve-wrecking part. If the mistakes are bad, frequent, or always repeated, that person gets the boot. She said if a person's mistakes make up more than 5% of their document, they're gone. *gulps*

I'm not overly worried, because I've been doing well, and have done lots of data entry before. Still, I do get scattered and unfocused on bad days, and there is that whole ADD suspicion thing. I don't want to lose this job. It's a good job and it pays really well. The working environment is superb.

I must stay as on the ball as possible, even though I have very poor coordination and balance!

Classy Angry Bitch Scorned Song

2007-11-07T15:31:00.000-08:00

The Mall Trips

2007-11-07T12:27:00.000-08:00

On Monday I went to THREE malls. I went through the first one to get off the Skytrain and to find a pharmacy so I could buy some Tums for my acid reflux. Ms Pet and I hit the second mall so I could buy a textbook for school. Unfortunately, it was a really long trek across the mall. Ms. Pet now concedes it's very possible I may have ADD. She saw me get completely distracted and zoned out by excess stimulation like bright lights, noise, people, etc. When we stopped in front of a brightly lit information kiosk, my brain went dead and we had to move outside.

Then we went to a smaller mall to get my lightbox for Seasonal Affective Disorder. That one was OK. We got my lightbox at a medical equipment store and then had a look around. At one point I started laughing. "What's up?" asks Ms. Pet. "Us," I reply." "We're getting excited about toe-washers and heating pads. We're turning into old lady dykes!" "Oh my God," she says. "You're RIGHT!"

On the bus ride home, we had an interesting interlude. We were talking about a bad scene that Ms. Pet had had. The guy sitting next to me butts in with "You shouldn't put yourself in a position where people can put you down." Excuse me? Ms. Pet pipes up, "You don't know me, OK, so don't tell me what to do." I add, "It's a private conversation." He huffs, "Well, I don't care for your conversation. I think it's deranged." If it's so deranged, buddy, why are you listening and offering unsolicited advice? That's a typical childish defense, to put us down because we don't want your opinion. Gack. He got up and huffed away, so Ms. Pet could sit down next to me. Hooray.

Then we came home, frazzled, overstimulated and anxious. I took two Ativan and tied Ms. Pet up. Rope bondage works like Ritalin and Ativan on her. It does the same to me, but she's a bottom, so no rope for me. :( I really could use a rope and Hitachi treatment soon, man.

My feet are still recovering from those mall trips, man.

My Mood

2007-11-07T12:12:00.000-08:00

If you've got love in your sights
Watch out, love bites

When you make love, do you look in the mirror?
Who do you think of?
Does he look like me?
Do you tell lies?
And say that it's forever?
Do you think twice, or just touch and see?
Ooh babe
Oh yeah
When you're alone, do you let go?
Are you wild and willin', or is it just for show?
Ooh C'mon

I don't wanna touch you too much baby
'Cos making love to you might drive me crazy
I know you think that love is the way you make it
So I don't wanna be there when you decide to break it
No!

Chorus
(Love bites, love bleeds)
It's bringin' me to my knees
(Love lives, love dies)
It's no surprise
(Love begs, love pleads)
It's what I need

When I'm with you, are you somewhere else?
Am I gettin' thru or do you please yourself?
When you wake up, will you walk out?
It can't be love if you throw it about
Ooh babe

I don't wanna touch you too much baby
'Cos making love to you might drive me crazy
Oh

Chorus
(Love bites, love bleeds)
It's bringin' me to my knees
(Love lives, love dies)
It's no surprise
(Love begs, love pleads)
It's what I need

Oh yeah!

I don't wanna touch you too much baby
'Cos making love to you might drive me crazy
I know you think that love is the way you make it
So I don't wanna be there when you decide to break it
No!

(Love bites, love bleeds)
It's bringin' me to my knees
(Love lives, love dies)

(Love bites, love bleeds)
It's bringin' me to my knees
(Love lives, love dies)
It's no surprise
(Love begs, love pleads)
It's what I need

If you've got love in your sights
Watch out, love bites
Yes it does
Bloody Hell

Why I Just Can't Have A Lesbian Threesome

2007-11-06T15:21:00.000-08:00

Man, I thought I was over all the stages of grief and was moving on. It turns out that was just the First Wave. Now I'm facing the Second Wave. On the bright side, it IS less intense than the First Wave. However, it still sucks.

I was triggered on Sunday night when two beautiful lesbians offered me a threesome and I had to turn them down. Yes, you heard right. I turned down a lesbian threeway with two gorgeous girls I've been wanting to sleep with for ages. Why would I do such a crazy thing, you ask? Because I'm sexually fucked up.

Scratch and I hardly ever had sex in the last two years of the relationship - his choice, not mine. I never realized how badly the rejection affected me. Now I can't have sex with someone because I'm terrified that'll be the last time they'll ever want to fuck me. I'm afraid they'll shag me once or twice and get bored with me. I can't bear the rejection.

I'm not 100% sure how to get over it. I guess time, sex with partners I trust deeply, and just jumping in no matter how scared I am are the best treatments. However, I'm just not up to having friendly sex yet. I need to have sex with someone who will be there a lot afterward, and even though I'm close to these two girls, I don't see them frequently. I need the reassurance and presence afterwards, at least once a week.

Not to worry, I've been given a raincheque, and it's IRONCLAD. Turns out they've been wanting a go at me for a long time too, and were just waiting until I was free. Am I not the luckiest girl sometimes?